Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I think washing machines are some what similar to Aztec Gods. Every now and again they demand a sacrifice in the form of a single sock...
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
My Mom left me a note that read "Im going away on the weekend with your father. I've left $50 somewhere in your room for food. If you clean your room you should be able to find it."
Now I've got to decide whether to clean my room or starve over the weekend... I wish she would stop leaving me with decisions to make...
*BF&GF*
BF:Do you want to?
GF:Idk, im kinda nurvous
BF:Dont be
GF:But it will be my first time..
BF:Ik, im happy I can be your first
GF:Ok, but im going to be screaming and holding onto you the whole time
BF:The rollercoaster isnt that scary babe
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says 'Can u please call over, I have a puzzle and I dont know how to assesmble it.' The boyfriend asks 'What's it meant to be when it's finished' 'A rooster' she replied. She shows him the puzzle. He studied the pieces, looked at the box and says to her 'Firstly, this puzzle will never be assembled.' He takes her hand 'Secondly, I want you to relax, have a cup of tea' He takes a deep sigh and finally says........ 'and u can put the Cornflakes back in the box'
It's amazing how one day someone walks into your life, then the next day you wonder how you lived without them ♥
A blonde girl is swearing and smashing up her flat.
She calls her boyfriend, "plz babe come home i cant do this f*ckin' puzzle". He asks "Well what's the picture on the puzzles box, that's usually what it should look like?". "A tiger", she says.
Later sitting down he sighs and says to her as she stares at the table, "listen babe, firstly i'm gonna make you a nice hot cuppa tea, secondly you're gonna calm down and thirdly you're gonna put all the kellogs frosties back in the the box."
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Today i went on thesaurus.c0m and searched "ninjas" The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found" Well played, ninjas, well played ;)
Is it just me, or does having family members as friends on Facebook limit the things that you can say.
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don't make her fall, if you don't plan to catch her.
One of my biggest goals in life that I wish to reach is being able to finish a whole tub of chap stick before I end up loosing the mother f*cker.
No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall,No one is afraid to play, they are afraid to lose, no one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it, no one is afraid to say "I love you", they are afraid of the response.
*1 friend request* (250 friends in common) "... i still dont know you lol"
Dad: That new Miley Cyrus song is awesome! Kid: Dad, that's Justin Bieber :P
I hate when my Mom takes me super boring, then just as we are about to leave, the "Goodbyes" turn into small talk and we end up staying there another hour...
Friendship isn't about who you have known the longest. It isn't about who you see the most. And it isn't even about who knows you the best. It's about who came and never left.
I love it when in the middle of our kiss I can feel you smiling.
** Glass breaks **
Girl: Babe, I think someone is downstairs...
Boy: Don't worry, i'll take care of this * Grabs Toilet Brush *
Girl: What's with the toilet brush?What you going to do? Scrub them to death...
Boy: Would you want to be touched with this?
Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.?
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!!!
Girl (12 years old): "Mom billy showed me his p*nis today..."
*Mom freaks out*
Girl: "It reminded me of peanuts..."
Mom: "Why was it small?"
Girl: "No, it was salty..."
*Mom faints*
I trial an*l s*x with my girlfriend last weekend. But i think i was doing it wrong, because no matter how hard i pushed, i couldnt get my whole butt in her p*ssy...
Hi, can I help you?" "No, I just waited in line for 15 minutes to say Hi."
My wife said she is leaving me because she said I always relate everything to Batman...
... What a joker...
girl: I love J.B.