Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The Good: You Have A Girlfriend
*************************************
The Bad: She Has A D*ck
*****************************
The Ugly: It's bigger than yours....
**************************************
Three girls running from the cops, a blonde, Brunette, and a red head..
they all hide and the cop comes by looks at a garbage can and says:
Hmm i wonder whats in here, the red head says squeek squeek and he leaves
He passes a dog house and says:
Hmm whats in here, the Brunette says Woof Woof!, nd he leaves..
He passes a Potato sack and says:
Hmm whats in here, the Blonde says PO-TA-TOES!!
I Do Things For You I Wouldent Do For Anyone Else And You Dont Even Realise
Watching Dora the Explorer* Dora: Can you see Swiper? Preschool: He's right there! Middle School: This is stupid. High School: DORA! DORA! HE'S RIGHT THERE!! DON'T LET HIM SWIPE YOUR THINGS!! AHHH! NOOOO!
I'm Proud 2 say: I Don"t Smoke
That moment of joy when you see your food coming in a restaurant
Hitler:
7,000,000 Kills
1 Death
F*cking Camper
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Harry- So voldemort... wheres your nose?
Voldemort- wheres your parents?
Harry- you dont have parents as well
Voldemort- at least i have gone through puberty
Harry- ...
*7 signs your falling in love*
7. You'll read their txts over and over again
6. You'll walk really really slow while youre with them
5. They becomes all you think about
4. You'll get high just by their smell
3. You'll realize that you're always smiling, when you think about them
2. You'll do anything for them
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time
We may not be friends anymore, but i wont forget the memories.
I really can fly, i just don't do it in public
Going to watch the new Harry Potter Movie wearing a white cape with a white beard because you're a fearless bastard!
Sometimes when you are hurt, no one cares.
Sometimes when you are sad, no one see's.
Sometimes when you cry, no one looks.
But when your fart one time, Everyone notices!
The difference between men and women. When a woman is asked how she would feel if she caught her husband in bed with another man she replies " Devastated". Men are only devastated when told he's not allowed to join in.
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
teacher: Kyle, what is the answer to number 27 of the homework?
Kyle: umm...
Kid sitting behind him: (whispered) 42.
Kyle: 42?
Teacher: (surprised) that's right.
Like this if this has ever happened to you.
im in a lift with jay sean, the saturdays and the black eyed peas.. jay sean wants to go down.. the saturdays want to go up, and the black eyed peas want to meet me halfway -_-
Hey, I swear that somewhere in the dark corners of my room, there is a secret tribe of single socks hiding and laughing their asses off at me...
*I walk into the classroom with a jacket on*
teacher: take that jacket off NOW!! they are against school rules
me: OMG, I am so sorry! Is anyone hurt? no? ok....I'll just slowly remove this extremely hazardous jacket....off of my torso....and slowly freeze to death.....
me:but miss, why are you wearing a jacket?
teacher: because it's cold an-
me:EVERYONE GET DOWN! SHE'S GOT A JACKET!
*class gets down and screams in fear*
(like this if your school also has retarded rules made by hitler)
meeting new people who you instantly get along with :)
No Mom, it doesn't matter whether go to bed at 10pm or 2am. When I wake up tomorrow at 6am, I am still going to be tired...
*********I Hate When This Happens**********
When you run the shower for 5 minutes, so it's nice and hot for when you get in. But when you finally go in the shower, it's still really cold..
I love how all theses likes either have to do with being single, or guys being jerks, or the most amazing things a guy can say to you....all i wanna say is.....PURPLE COWS!!
You may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but you're still my favourite colour.