Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
When i was a kid, i always used to search my parents rooms to find out what i would be getting for christmas. Although, i never did receive a pleasure max 3000...
95% of teens would cry if they saw Justin Bieber at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Like this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "DO A FLIP!!! and push him off 4 minutes ago
Statistics on Insanity: One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
**** I Hate When This Happens #58 ****
When you burp and a little bit a sick comes up and there's too many people around to spit it out... so you just swallow it...
Guy: "Wow that girl is hot with a great voice!" Girl: "That's Justin Bieber..." Guy: "Never speak of this moment."
That awkward moment when people are staring weirdly at you and you started thinking if you had done anything wrong. :O
Being bored in the car and waving to random people, and people actually wave back.
Today I felt like a tampon. In a good place, but at the wrong time...
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!
Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" when im in a room by myself. If im wrong, then nobody knows that I was speaking to my self, And if I'm right, I just freaked out some secret organisation.
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No...just up to my boobies."
When someone says "No Offence", what they really mean is "Im about to offend you, don't get mad..."
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin
Dettol kills 99.9% of germs. That 0.1% germ is a Legend
Men have two emotions, hungry and h*rny. If he doesn't have an erecti*n, go make him a sandwich...
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm *****
How much dub would dubstep step, if a dubstep could step dub?
Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime...
Today i was walking down the street and saw a homeless man. He asked for some change and i gave him $1...then i saw him pull out his iPhone. I knocked his ass out, took back my dollar, and took his iPhone. Now i got an iPhone and a dollar.
Admit it, at once in your life, we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position
My girlfriend is so clumsy. Take tomorrow for instance, she's gonna fall down the stairs and break a few ribs.
The 'I need a hug' mood.
If my woman doesn't make me sandwiches, I won't give her any shopping money. How about that?
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?..
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: your
sense of humor.
Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed.
I hate it when I originally pick the right answer and then change it