Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Hot Girl: Haha what a nerd
Me: He'll probably be your boss one day so be careful about what you say...
Nerd: No I wont be her boss becuase I don't plan on becoming a pimp...
Whole Class: Ohhhh Sh*t!
Boy: Damn I'm so s*xy. (**Looking in Mirror**)
Dad: Son, what are you doing?
Boy: Dad how does it feel to have such a wonderful and good looking son?
Dad: I don't know to be honest, you should ask your Grandfather...
Yes, practise makes perfect, but too much practise makes your a whore....
Dear facebook,
Please change the photo viewer back to normal!
Sincerely,
400 million pissed facebook users :)
We use "lol" when...
1) What you said was kinda funny
2) It gets awkward
3) We want to end a sentence
4) We randomly want in the middle of our sentences because we're so used to writing it
Let's agree, we overuse "lol"
3 EASIEST WAYS TO DIE;
1. have a cigarette daily
- you'll die 10 years earlier.
2.Drink alcohol daily.
- you'll die 30 years earlier.
3. Love someone who doesn't love you back.
-you'll die daily.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Yes I check my Facebook every morning like it's the morning paper...
Sincerely,
Sorry for having a social life.
Can not connect to network. Try resetting your wireless router" umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?
You can be the prince and I can be your princess..
You can be the sweet tooth and I can be the dentist..
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces..
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages..
You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser..
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper..
You can be as cold as the winter weather..
But I don't care as long as were together..
*During S*x Education*
*Teacher caught boy doing something to a girl*
Teacher : WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Boy : I just had s*x! ~
Teacher : WHAT?! WHY ARE YOUR WORKSHEETS ALL BLANK ???!
Boy : Because action speaks louder than words.
"age is just a number." "yeah, so is 911 you paedophile."
1991: Sh*i! Im pregnant! I havent even gratuated from high school yet... Everyones going to think im a whore...
2011: Yes! Im pregnant, woo hoo! No I can try out for next years 16 & pregnant!
I was having the best s*x I've ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, "Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support".
Don't you just hate it when your having a conversation with someone and then your spit decides to leap out of your mouth and land on the other person.
Even weirder is the fact both of you know what has just happened and you just ignore it...
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. As she was leaving, she yelled "You need to grow up!". I don't know what has gotten into her. It's probably because i didn't give her the password to my secret fort.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who couldn't even get off jury duty...
Getting Paid
I'm just waiting for that amazing day..when EMINEM gets pissed..and insults JUSTIN BIEBER lyrically on one of his songs.
If bars don't serve drunk people, then McDonald's shouldn't serve fat people...
I smashed into a bus stop full of people while driving home last night and I got away with a broken arm. Don't know who's it is but it's mine now.
The show "Power Puff Girls" was all right. But the thing I don't get is why some freaky dude was trying to create little girls in his basement...
*Phone Rings*
Shorty: Yo..
Scream: Hello Shorty, What are you doin'
Shorty: Nuttin.. Sitting here watchin' the game, Smoking sum bud
Scream: Are you all alone
*Background noise* WAAAASSSSSSSSUPPPP!!!!
Shorty: WAAAASSSSUUUPPPPP!!
Everyone: WWWWWAAAAASSSSSSSSSUUUPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for s*x. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what s*x was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
Yes, my status is aimed at you. Bastard.
If you want to be TOGETHER you have TO-GET-HER :)