Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
"Your phone's ringing." ... "Yeah, phones do that."
Mirror Mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her bre*sts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my p*nis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
My Momma once said to me: "Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if your morbidly obese..."
There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!
Describe your first sexual experience by using the title of a film.
For example, Fast & Furious...
This blonde chick called me the other day. I couldn't stop laughing at her, because the first thing she said was, can i have your number?
There is a reason why your heart is located on the left. It's because it's not always right.
Who's that sexy beast.............Oh, I clicked on my own profile again!!
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming,
Dear Teachers,
I'm sorry I didn't realize that the color of my nails, how many bracelets I wear, If my hair is up or down, What clothes I have on, If I wear make-up or how many piercings I have would affect my education.
Sincerely,
Students.
No, you're right. i mistook our endless conversations, your sweet texts, the compliments, and our amazing moments for you liking me. my bad.
When are people going to realise that If I have my iPod in,
1. I cant hear a word you are saying.
2. And if I have my iPod on around you, then it means I don't want to talk to you...
So...
A neutron walks into a bar.
The neutron ask the bartender:
"How much do you charge for a beer?"
The bartender looks up and down on him, and says:
"For you, no charge."
Physics joke haha. :D
Trust me, I'd walk through the rain at 3am to see you. The only thing stopping me is my parents.
The awkward moment when your getting changed for swimming in PE and you knock someone out with your d*ck.
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
Dear Girls of the Internet...
Making that "I've just eaten a lemon face" while taking a photo, is UNATTRACTIVE!
Sincerely Boys of the Internet.
Want to make money using Facebook?
*********************************************
Go to Account > Account Settings> Deactivate Account.... And get back to work!
New Word of The Day: iTwat
The definition of a person with and iPhone, iPad, and even an iPod!
I hate when you're trying to type something then someone interupts you and you start typing what they was saying to you!
*Kid wakes up in class.
Teacher: asks student "can you tell me what that is?"
*kids best friend mouths "4" while lifting his fingers, the student thanks him with a nod and reply's "4"
Teacher: looking confused and disappointed says "So the first native tribe to make a treaty with France was... 4?"
Gotta love your friends.
Saying "ew" when you hear someone's name that you don't like.
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
wjfsklfjsmljdmgkfngdfsghfdjkghzena, EEEEEH MACARENA! :D
Dear Drake, the square root of 69 is 8.306623862918075... I heard you were 'tryna work it out. Sincerely, Maths