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A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
There's nothing more attractive than a guy, who doesn't know he's attractive...
It's not that I hate you... it's just, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water, i'd drink it.
Take Me Home, I'm Drunk. But Take Me To McDonalds First
Harry- So voldemort... wheres your nose?
Voldemort- wheres your parents?
Harry- you dont have parents as well
Voldemort- at least i have gone through puberty
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
Dettol kills 99.9% of germs. That 0.1% germ is a Legend
I'm not ignoring you, I'm waiting to see if you'll make the effort... for once!
Jake and Jill went up the hill
To smoke some marawana
Jack got high and dropped his fly
and said do you wanna
Jill said yes and dropped her dress
and they had lots of fun
But Jill forgot to take the pill
and now they got a son.
AND HIS NAME IS BOB.
Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs, never let a boy between your legs, he'll say you're cute, he'll say you're fine, 9 months later he'll say "It ain't mine..."
The awkward moment when you are trying to kill a spider and your lose track of it and you become a victim in your own home...
(_!_) regular arse
(__!__) fat arse
(!) tight arse
(_*_) sore arse
(_o_) well used arse
(_e=mc2_) smart arse
and the best one:
(_x_) kiss my arse
The hardest thing in life to explain is the reason why you love someone. It's like trying to explain the taste of water...
Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of the vending machine at once...
"Ok, if we get caught, pretend we don't speak english."
-"What happened here?!?"
"No hablo ingles!"
-"Oh que paso?"
You're six, why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call? Dora?
Being so close, you insult each other all the time and never get offended :)
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Waking Up With Unread Texts
Boy:*kneels down on one knee*
girl:w-what are y-you doing *blushes like crazy*
boy:*looks up nd smiles* Ive been wanting to do this for a long time
EPIC FAIL XD
Teacher leave the room during a test:
Middle- *whispers* can i have gum?
High school- *yells across the room* hey whats number 1?
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral s*x on a woman the morning after s*x?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
I didn't slap you! I high-fived your face!
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