Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
I hate how when you lose something and I spend hours looking for it and I don't find it. Then my mom looks and it magically appears after 2 minutes of looking..
Teacher leave the room during a test:
Elementary- *silence*
Middle- *whispers* can i have gum?
High school- *yells across the room* hey whats number 1?
A blonde walks into a store.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
The blonde goes and puts on a brunette wig.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
Frustrated the blonde puts on a redhead wig.
Blonde: Can I get that T.V. in the corner please?
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I don't serve blondes.
Blonde: Damn it! How the hell'd you know I was a blonde!
Shopkeeper: That's not a T.V. in the corner it's a microwave.
A p*nis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an a**hole, his bestfriend is a p*ssy and his owner beats him!
In today's world thing are more messed up than ever, everyone is broke, prices are going up, fuel cost is ridiculous but worst of all, we live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police...
We all messed up somewhere in 2010.
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6 oclock news A man was shown threatening to jump from a Bridge The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldnt jump
Anyway sure enough he jumped so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned The redhead said I cant take this your my friend The blonde said No A bets a bet
So the redhead said Listen I have to admit I saw this one on the 5 oclock news so I cant take your money
The blonde replied Well so did I but I never thought hed jump again
Dear Japan,
We are all thinking about you and that earthquake you recently received so, hang in there and be brave
''Hey,want some updog?'' Person: ''What is that?'' You: ''What is what?'' Person: ''Updog?'' You: ''What about it?'' Person: ''What is it?'' You: ''What is what?'' Person: ''WHAT IS UPDOG?!'' You: ''Not much'' Likee if you get it (;
CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMMMMEERRR 2011 :D
As I worked my lips down my wife's arm, kissing every bit of it I said, "Darling, if I had the rest of time with you, I'd spend it kissing every square inch of your body." She smiled and said, "Ah, because you love me so much...?" "No, because that's how long it would take."
That awkward moment when someone yells at you for clicking you pen so you stop, but then realise that you have to click it once more so that you can use it.
I hate it when your in your car listening to a random bad song and when your just about to get out, your favourite song comes up. LIKE IF U DO TOO xD
When I'm in the shower and I need to wash the shampoo out of my hair, I do so as fast as I can purely because it is the perfect time for a serial killer to strike.
Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" when im in a room by myself. If im wrong, then nobody knows that I was speaking to my self, And if I'm right, I just freaked out some secret organisation.
I'm not a heartless person, I have just learned how to use my heart less...
If you think it is necessary to judge me by my past, then don't get angry when I decide to leave your sorry A$$ there...
At a sleepover :
Friends : "Can I have a glass of water please?"
"Yea sure, Come with me to the kitchen"
Best friends : "Oi can i have sum water"
"Move ur ass and get it yourself, u practically live here."
When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Ew, eat a salad."
When a fat girl eats a salad, people think, "Is she trying to lose weight or something?"
..but when a SKINNY girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Wow, she eats and eats and never gains a pound."
and when a SKINNY girl eats a salad, people think, "Why is she eating a salad? She doesn't need to lose weight."
Like if you think this is true.
putting freezing cold hands on someone warm... :P
That awkward moment when you are on a bouncy castle and you fall down and the other b*tches on there wont stop jumping so you can't get back up...
It has been scientifically proven that any women can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches. The good thing is that it doesn't matter whether it's Visa, MasterCard or Amex.
Guy: Yo Im Hungary.
friend: why don't you Czech the fridge?
guy: ok Im Russian to the kitchen
friend: hmm maybe you'll find some Turkey
guy: Yeah I have some but its covered in a layer of Greece. YUCK!
friend: Ew man there is Norway you are eating that.
guy:Yeah I know I think Ill just settle for a can of Chile
friend:Denmark your name on the can
guy: Kenya do it for me please?
friend: Ok, Im Ghana do it.
guy:Thanks man Im so tired, Iran 2 kilometers today.
Trust is like and eraser.
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It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake...