Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
3 am phone call.."hey are you asleep??" ... "No I'm Skydiving"
Creating a look-a-like hogwarts letter and slipping it into your bestfriends letterbox on their 11th birthday just for shits and gigs.
The awkward moment when you think your fart will be silent, and it comes out and sounds like a thunder storm!
We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us.
Bella: You're pale white and ice cold. I know what you are.
Edward: Say it...Out loud...Say it!
Bella: A Snowman..
What are the three rings of marriage?
1. Engagement Ring
2. Wedding Ring
3. Suffering...
Dear Parents,
I stay up late, fall out with friends, have a messy room, literally LIVE on my lap-top, I'm lazy, and I'm ALWAYS texting. Though mum, dad, I'm NOT the only teenager that acts like that. I am just a TYPICAL teenager. So don't think your doing anything wrong, because your not. To be honest, if I WASN'T doing any of these, things, THEN you should be worried.
Sincerely,
Teenagers everywhere.
The awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...
I remember when my best friend was the shy and quiet one... I created a monster:D
why do i let the smallest things get to me?
I decided to add some variety to my s*x life......
So I started using my other hand...
That embarrassing moment when you haven't been on Facebook for a while,and only have one (1) notification.......and it's a game request.........from a person you don't even know!?
Like if this has ever happened to you O.o
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PART OF THE STORY AND NOT TWIST MY WORDS !!
Lets be honest, you all have visualised a bad guy committing a crime and you are the bad-ass that saves the day...
"Are you home?" "No... I just picked up my house phone from Burger King..."
Dear Eminem,
Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too.
Sincerely, M&Ms.
Bubblewrap
*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding*
boy: "Mommy?"
mom: "What?"
boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"
mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."
boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"
Playing Knock Door Run And Feeling Like A Pure Rebel - Those Were The Days :)
You need anger management classes...
Yeah well you need shut the f*ck up classes...
Policewoman: You are under arrest. Anything that you say can and will be held against you.
driver: BOOBS!
I watch CSI, NCSI, Law & Order, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 19 ways and make it look like Alvin and the chipmunks did it. So don't f*ck with me...
I want to create a search engine called "Tap" so when people want to search something they will say "Hold on, let me tap that"
The awkward moment when someone says something twice, and on both occasions you say "What?" so when they repeat themselves for the third time, you just smile and nod...
man- will you be quiet woman, im trying to watch the game!
woman- i dont care, i dont wanna watch this anymore.
man- damnit woman! go to your room!
woman- *walks into kitchen*