Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
At 3 yrs old we say: "Mommy, I love you".
At 10: "Mom whatever!"
At 16: "My mom is so annoying"!
At 18: "I wanna leave this house".
At 25: "Mom, you were right".
At 30: "I wanna go back to my Mom's house".
At 50: "I don't wanna lose my Mom".
At 70: "I would give up EVERYTHING for my Mom to be here with me". You only have one Mom.
Like this if you couldn't live without your mom ♥
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
All these 'likes' are starting to tell my whole life story
A good boyfriend will never want to change anything about you except for your last name.
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
The awkward moment when someone says something twice, and on both occasions you say "What?" so when they repeat themselves for the third time, you just smile and nod...
Dear Butt,
You managed to turn on my phone, decipher my unlock code, call pizza hut and put it on loud speaker in the middle of class.
Sincerely,
I'm impressed.
banging on your keyboard if your computer is slow.
That mini heart attack moment when you go to take that extra step on the stairs that isn't actually there...
10 things a typical teenage boy can't live without...
1.Call Of Duty
2.Laptop
3.Phone
4.Fancy Clothes
5.Playstation Or XBOX
6.Girls
7.FaceBook Or Youtube
8.Family Guy Or South Park
9.After Shave
10.Bling
Eyeing your toys suspiciously after watching Toy Story.
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral s*x on a woman the morning after s*x?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Mum notices her sons bed has been made without her asking..Mum finds note on boys bed:
Mum im sorry, i have left home. I know im only 15 but my girlfriend is pregante and im going to live with her, you were never supportive and that really hurts me. dont bother looking for me, u wont find me. im sorry it has to be like this, but i dont see any other way.
P.S: MUM IM JOKING, I WAGGED SCHOOL TODAY AND I GOT BUSTED. IM AT AIDIANS. CALL ME WHEN U HAVE CALMED DOWN. xx
Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence
**Types in password** 'Password incorrect' 'Huh?' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect' 'But that IS my password' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect** 'b**ch that IS my password! Im gonna throw this thing out the fu... oh wait, caps lock.'
Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Skirts are up,
Pants are down,
Body to body,
Skin to skin,
When it's stiff stick it in.
Dont you just hate it lads when your taking a p*ss, look away for one second and...BAM! the toilet seat bangs the f*ck out of you p*nis
OMG this song is so amazing!"....5 minutes later.... "OMG have you heard this song it's awesome!" .... "ugh"
Can I pretty please keep you forever? :')
No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall.
No one is afraid to fight, they are afraid of losing.
No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it.
No one is afraid of falling in love, they are afraid of not being loved...
Okay, so you're 10 years old, you have a laptop, iPod, Facebook and a Blackberry... Dude when I was 10 I had pokemon cards!
My Mom left me a note that read "Im going away on the weekend with your father. I've left $50 somewhere in your room for food. If you clean your room you should be able to find it."
Now I've got to decide whether to clean my room or starve over the weekend... I wish she would stop leaving me with decisions to make...
gf ; what would you do if i broke up with you .
bf ; i would go back to my ex .
gf ; ( crying ) im breakin up with you .
* many hours later .*
bf ; will you go out with me ?
gf ; i thought you were going to your ex .
bf ; you are my ex . (:
gf ; ♥
bf ; ♥
I accused my brother of being gay yesterday...
He was so angry he hit me with his purse.
When everything in your life goes wrong, there's always that one person to put a smile on your face