Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I don't know why if we eat less our parents asks us to eat more but if i eat alot my parents complain...
When I don't want to sleep my parents asks me to sleep but if i sleep my parents complain...
Grandpa Joe From Charlie & The Chocolate Factory = Scrounging B*stard.
20 Years he was in that bed, and as soon as a golden ticket comes along... "Oh actually I can walk, and I can dance around and hop and stuff..."
16-year-old sees a 8-year-old with an iPhone, make-up, skinny jeans and laptop.
16-year-old: O__O When I was your age I had Pokemon cards and chalks.
8-year-old:*talking on the phone*I love you! Talk to you later ♥ !* Yes, what you want?
16-year-old: Aww, was that your mom?
8-year-old: No, ew grow up. It was my boyfriend!
16-year-old: O__O;;;;; WTF!!!
Drunk people trying to convince you they're sober
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Our relationship is like a game of Jumanji, You don’t know what’s going to happen and you don’t know where your going to end up
2 friends married at the same time. The 1st man told his wife she was to cook and clean. Next day his house was clean and dinner on the table. The 2nd man married an Irish girl. He ordered her to do the same. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything either but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty urinating.
''Hmm... I'm gonna make some toast.''
*puts bread in toaster
*waiting and more waiting... getting bored.. waiting...
''I'm ready, it's gonna come up anytime soon. I wont get scared. (thinking in head)''
*bread suddenly comes up
You: SUPER HEART ATTACK
like this if youve ever been so ready for your toast to come up.. then it just comes up out of no where and it gives you a heart attack
Replying to a text with "k" not only shows that you are an a$$ hole, it also shows that you are a lazy f*ck who abbreviates a two letter word
Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral s*x on a woman the morning after s*x?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
When life hands you lemons............ DEMAND Tequila and Salt!!!!!!
**** I hate When This Happens #56 ****
When you're about to sneeze, and you huff and you puff, and then... nothing.... it's gone.
If you never try,you'll never know...
My teacher told the class to draw a picture of any season. I done winter...... some others did winter and drew snow, snowmen, hats, scarfs. I drew snow, and gave it into my teacher when i was done. and she said ''you haven't drew anything!'' I said ''yes i have. it's a pile of snow(;........''
Relationships are like yard sales.........
....... They look good from far, but once your in one it's just full of sh*t that you don't need.....
Dear girls,
you complain about us playing COD. You make silly pages about the 'perfect' boy. You act as if we're complete anal holes. When, we're not. We want to be loved, just like you do. We want the perfect girl, just as much as you. And if you're that upset about us not making an effort with you because we'd rather play COD, YOU make the effort for once and come play COD with us. Don't act as if we're the bad ones all the time, there takes two to make a relationship.
Sincerely, boys.
When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left £1million in the..."
Reasons to have a guy best friend:
Guys don't start rumors for no apparent reason
They won't tell anyone your secrets
They don't pms and randomly act super rude
They don't try to steal the guy you like
They aren't two faced
They stick up for you no matter what
They'll give you their sweatshirt when your cold
They'll carry you when you get hurt
And they might even fall in love with you
When I kill a spider in my bathroom, I never clean it up. I just leave it their so other spiders know not to f*ck with me...
6 Ways you can tell that Santa Clause is a man:
1. He shows up late at night
2. He eats your cookie
3. Empties his sack
4. He only comes once
5. Calls you a ho
6. He leaves while your sleeping.
If #2 pencils are so good, why aren't they #1?
MIND F*CK
After reading this comment you will realize that the the brain dosent recognize a second "the"
like if you were mind f*cked
I don't hate you, it's just... No, I hate you.
*almost asleep* *phone vibrates* WTF who's texting me this late... OH wait it's you :)
During hot, passionate s*x with my girlfriend, the famous, heroic words were moaned...
"You make me feel like a woman.."
I dont know why i said it, it just felt right.