Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
My phone is second nature to me. I know all of it's functions and where everything is in the menu. But as soon as I handle someone else phone, I'm like "WTF is this foreign piece of Sh*t?"
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Every Day I'm shufflin'.......
^ Except Friday, gotta get down on friday...
* ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed * all polar bears are left-handed * if your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a polar bear *
The awkward moment when you're really really angry and everyone is trying to cheer you up by making you laugh and they bring out that little smirk on your face and you think to yourself "No I'm mad, Stop it"
Me: You Ask,
Friend: No, You Ask,
Me: Please!
Friend: No Why Can't you ask?
Me: I'm to shy...
Friend: Ok, Ok i'll ask. Hey, my friend wants to ask you something...
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Friend: No
Me: ask me if im a tree.
Friend: NO
Me: Ask me if im a tree.
Friend: FINE ARE YOU A F*CKING TREE??
Me: No
If the Bell doesn't dismiss me then the Bell doesn't decide when I arrive.
Stupid Law #65: Did you know that America is the only country in the world where not wearing your seatbelt carries a greater penalty then murdering your children...
when someone touches your phone and you automaticaly turn into a ninja.
Today I bought a packet of salted nuts. On the pack it said "Warning, may contain nuts." Well I would be pretty disappointed if I opened it up and a sock fell out...
*** 24 Minutes of battery life left ****
You: Ahh, that is enough time to finish what I am doing
*** 6 Mins Later Laptop Shuts Down ***
You: You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!
Excuse me Bruno Mars, I know you are being lazy and all but get your own mob of Monkeys instead of taking mine. Ok, thanks.
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes..
Dear Facebook can we have a dislike button for things like America, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber And That Friggin Wannabe Rebecca Black
Thanks!
Facebook Users
saving a photo as
jkjksghjhgjfkhgk
because you're too lazy to write a proper title
Don't you just hate it when there's a van load of men with guns on their way to your house and the only weapon in the house to protect yourself is a screwdriver
A blonde called me to get my phone number. She missed the 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She tried to drown a fish. She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She spent 20 mins looking at a orange juice box becauseit said concentrate.
Boy: imma go to sleep.
Girl: ok
Boy: i love you
Girl: i love you too bye
*hangs up*
...Girl sends text to boy saying "i dont want you to go"
Girl's phone rings
Girl: hello?
Boy: i decided you were more important than sleep :)
Someday, everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason. :]
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; If a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Guy: "Wow that girl is hot with a great voice!" Girl: "That's Justin Bieber..." Guy: "Never speak of this moment."
I decided to add some variety to my s*x life......
So I started using my other hand...
I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your man muscle, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a dump.
You call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog,and dogs bark,bark is off trees and trees are apart of nature and nature is beautiful,so THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT