Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
You fight like a married couple, you talk like best friends, you flirt like first loves, and protect each other like brother and sister, obviously its meant to be.
The new report card system:
A = Asian
B = Below Asian
C = Can't be Asian
D = Don't bother trying to be Asian
F = F*ck it, you'll never be Asian
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
If you stalk the files on my computer most of them will have names like 'hujkdsugyhj' because I'm too lazy to type a real name for the documents.
One of my biggest goals in life that I wish to reach is being able to finish a whole tub of chap stick before I end up loosing the mother f*cker.
Everybody Hates "FACEBOOK GANGSTERS"....Easily identified by their facade of toughness behind their keyboard and a lack of real balls in real life
HAHHAHAHAA, wait! I don´t get it..
Sunny days
Explanation Of Winnie The Pooh Characters:
Tiger: Ok that's understandable, he has a tiger print across his skin, maybe he is a tiger.
Eeyore: Ok thats reasonable, donkeys go "Eeyore", so Eeyore must be a donkey.
Piglett: This one is fine, pigletts are baby/small pigs. Piglett is a small pig, so he must be a Piglett.
Winnie The Pooh: Ok I'm lost in this one, WTF is a Pooh?
F*ck B*tches.. Flip Patties - Spongebob
That "Sh*t i'm going to die" moment when you try to kill a wasp and you miss...
Just imagine, if you suddenly woke up and your life had been a dream, and you are actually a completely different person than in your dream and you are living in a completely different world.
When a sad song come's on in the car , and you look out the window, with the window open, pretending your in a movie.
To all the people who don't believe in God...
Where do you think we came from? Monkeys?
OK, OK, but who do you think made the monkeys?!
My fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer.
Why do girls eat chocolate and guys drink beer right after breaking up? Because the sweetness of chocolate makes girls forget the bitterness of breaking up while the bitterness of beer makes guys forget the sweetness of the girls.
3 Facts About Animals That You Probably Didn't Know:
1. See turtles can weigh up to 300 pounds and can live up to 500 years.
2. The only time a humming birds stops flying is to nest. That means they fly when they eat, when the relieve themselves and even when they mate. (Can you imaging having s*x while running?)
3. One type of jellyfish, the Nakato, is immortal which means they live forever. The only way they can die is from disease or from being killed.
A boy went to a pub with his mom and saw two teens having s*x. he asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They're baking a cake".
The next day, the boy went to the zoo and saw two monkeys having s*x. He asked his mom what they were doing.
His mom replied: "They baking cake".
The next day, the boy told his mom : "Mummy, i know last night you and daddy were baking a cake".
Mom: "How you know?"
Boy: "I licked the icing off the sofa".
Like if u get it :D
When a girl is silent, it's pretty dangerous. She's either over thinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, in need of a hug, falling apart or crying inside... and most probably all of the above.
If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I was a Lion and you was a Tuna, I would swim out to the middle of the ocean and freakin' eat you! - Will Ferrell: The Other Guys
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There? will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue? your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin.
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
I wonder what would happen if I hire two private investigators to follow each other...
I waited for ten years, eleven months, thirty days, 12 hours and 26 minutes. then i finally had to admit i wasn't getting an acceptance letter from Hogwarts.
The truth is, I'm not mad at you. I just hate the fact that every time your name lights up on my phone, I fall for you a little bit harder. And every time my name lights up on your phone.. well, I'm just another girl you talk to.