Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Why is it that when my mom looks for something, it magically appears...
You call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog,and dogs bark,bark is off trees and trees are apart of nature and nature is beautiful,so THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT
Lazy Rule #1: Get your Facebook statuses from like sites, mobile phone apps, lyrics and anything else random that you come across...
Even if i was home alone for six hours, my tv didnt work, computer was broken, phone wasnt charged and i lost the charger... I STILL wouldn't do my homework!
Things I do when I'm home alone:
-Stay on facebook to clear my mind.
-Get sucked into the Tv.
-Run around the house checking every room.
-Hear noises and run to Mom's room to go see her then realize she's still not home.
-Lay under my covers.
-Secretly sing to myself.
-Act ninja.
The best kinds of laughter:
1. Laughing so hard that your laugh becomes silent.
2. Laughing so hard that you feel a six pack coming on.
3. Laughing so hard that tears start coming out.
If you want to be TOGETHER you have TO-GET-HER :)
I Don't Mind When Our Conversations Get A Little Boring Or When We're Texting & We Run Out Of Things To Say . I Don't Care When We're Hanging Out & We're Doing Absolutely Nothing , Because Just Having You Is Enough To Make Me Happy
********** A real man doesn't love a million girls. A real man loves ONE girl in a million different ways. ***********
Looking at a mirror at a party and thinking "Yeah, I'm drunk"
So get ya knees flexin’ and your arms T-rexin’
Do the creep (haaaa)
And do the creep (haaa)
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
While the microwave is on, I try to do as many things as I can such as get my knife and fork ready, and then I press stop on the microwave just as it reaches one so I can feel like a bada$$ that has just defused a bomb...
Dear Vegetarians,
I eat the cows which produce the methane gas which effects global warming. You guys eat the plants that are trying to fix global warming so who's really killing the planet?
Sincerely,
A Non- Vegetarian.
The top 10 things messed up with the show Spongebob:
1.How is Pearl Mr.Crabs daughter??
2.Why doesn't Squidward wear pants??
3.How do they flush the toilet under water?
4.How can they see plankton??
5.How can Sandy communicate with fish??
6.How is there a Goo lagoon under water???
7.Why do they take showers???
8.How come Gary meows??
9.How did Sandy build her dome??
10.How can there be boats under water?
Like this if you ever asked yourself any of these questions :)
~at a sleepover~
*in the shower*
*knocks on door*
friend:can you tell me when you get out?
i have to use the bathroom.
you:okay!
best friend
*opens door*
im coming in
gotta pee!
Mum notices her sons bed has been made without her asking..Mum finds note on boys bed:
Mum im sorry, i have left home. I know im only 15 but my girlfriend is pregante and im going to live with her, you were never supportive and that really hurts me. dont bother looking for me, u wont find me. im sorry it has to be like this, but i dont see any other way.
P.S: MUM IM JOKING, I WAGGED SCHOOL TODAY AND I GOT BUSTED. IM AT AIDIANS. CALL ME WHEN U HAVE CALMED DOWN. xx
Dude... I watch all the CSI's, Ncis, and Criminal Minds. I can make your death look like an accident
*After a Date*
Boy: I"ve...had the time of my life.
Girl: Me too.
Boy: And I"ve never felt this way before.
Girl: Me too!
Boy: I swear, this is true...
Girl: *Smiles*
Boy: ...And I owe it all to you. *looks at girl*
Girl: Aww! Your so sweet! I love yo-
Boy: DIRTY BIT. *starts breakdancing really hard right there in the middle of the street*
Girl: ..
Eyes, Nose, Mouth, Chin, Follow me down to uncle Jim, Uncle Jim makes lemonade, around the corner chocolates made!
There are 3 things that should never be broken;
1. A heart
2. A promise
3. A condom
My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don’t exist. She doesn’t care. Operation’s next Tuesday.
I got sentenced to 10 years in prison today. Maybe when the judge asked "Guilt or Not Guilty" I shouldn't of answered:
I'm a true gentleman and swear to never kiss and tell. Which is why, your honour, Im pleading not guilty.
Son: "Dad I have a problem..."
Dad: "Come with me son." *Sits down infront of the computer* "No matter what it is... Someone will have made a facebook group about it..."
When you check the refrigerator one minute and find nothing to eat, then you goe back 5 minutes later as if something is magically going to appear.