Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dear Internet Users,
One day, you will all regret not reading me...
Sincerely,
Terms & Conditions.
I hate it when you no the boy likes you but he just doesn't have the guts to say "i love you!"
Finding money in your pocket you didn't know you had.
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE WITH YOUR SUNGLASSES AND YOUR PIMP STICK!"
Grandma please, he's blind...
I didn't fall... the floor just needed a hug!
You: *Takes a book and smacks friend on the face*....
Friend: What the hell was that for?
You: I facebooked you..
I went to a job interview the other day... The interviewer asked me some hard questions, one of them was "What's your biggest weakness?"
I replied "Kryptonite..."
I start on Monday.
There was never really a picture of Osama dead, or any evidence. I mean the ones they gave could've been photoshopped and the house could've been anyones. And by the way elections are coming up. So is Osama Bin Laden really did or does Barrack Obama want votes for declaring a death that everyone wished?
Depressed? Earphones in.. Volume up, ignore the world.
If you never try,you'll never know...
A police officer stops a man on the highway. The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?” The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding” The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk” The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives. The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment." So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body. Officer 2 asks, "Do you have a gun?" The man says, "No, sir." "Did you steal this car?" "Nope." At last policeman 2 says, "My partner said you had a dead body and a gun." The guy replies, "I bet he said I was speeding too!!"
When i think about you, i smile for no reason. you just make me happy :) ♥
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Girl: (crying)
Boy: What happened?
Girl: The guy I like has a girlfriend..
Boy: Well, he's an idiot for picking her instead of you.. His girlfriend must be a slut.
Girl: I can't believe you called your girlfriend a slut:D
Boy:...
I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?.."
Never apologize for what you feel. It's like saying sorry for being real.
3 am phone call.."hey are you asleep??" ... "No I'm Skydiving"
Waking Up With Unread Texts
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Hey, I'm a guy. I'm single. I would never cheat on you. I would always text you first, tell you that you're beautiful every day, say I love you in front of my friends, never choose my video games over you, protect you, try my best to never make you cry, hold you and never let you go, kiss you in the pouring rain. Yes, ladies, I do exist. No, I'm not gay. Stop dating douche-bags and jerks. Date me
Facebook is like a refrigerator. You get bored and keep checking, but nothing ever changes.
A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine.
The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it's four stars!
First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you're wrong, it's 1566!
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day that they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so i came home early to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment bu i couldn't find the other man anywhere. So i went out to the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, but he landed in some bushes. So, i went back inside and got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which i died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into heaven. He then asked the next man in the line about the day he died.
"Well sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab on to the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac with a hammer came out and started pounding on my fingers. Luckily i landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died" he said the the third man in the line.
"Well, picture this, i'm naked hiding inside a refrigerator..."
I hate it when you're sitting in the cinema ready to watch the movie and the next thing you know BOOM. human giraffe sits in front of you.
Like if youre one of the people WITHOUT a Blackberry? :)