Daughter: The art teacher doesn't like what I'm making...
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Periods late..
//..Haven't had sex..\
................................
i must be carrying the next baby Jesus.
Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I Googled "Ninja School" to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School!
Stupid Law #65: Did you know that America is the only country in the world where not wearing your seatbelt carries a greater penalty then murdering your children...
I Talk to My Pet Like It is a Baby
I have no problem with texting and driving. But texting and walking down the stairs... That sh*t is dangerous man.
You look like i need a drink!
"All I do is WIN WIN WIN no matter what..."
Grandma, you're just at the ATM, chill man.
Like this if you hate it when your just walking around minding your own business and then out of nowhere a ninja comes and takes your marshmallow.
Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.
My life is a movie. God is my director. People are my audience and my success will be the credits.
That awkward moment when you sleep at your friends house and wake up before them, and all u can do is stare round their room for an hour or 2 until they wake up .....
Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you
That awkward moment when you're buying something and realise you have no money in your pocket...
I shower naked. HOW NAUGHTY OF ME.
Excuse me Bruno Mars, I know you are being lazy and all but get your own mob of Monkeys instead of taking mine. Ok, thanks.
The difference between men and women. When a woman is asked how she would feel if she caught her husband in bed with another man she replies " Devastated". Men are only devastated when told he's not allowed to join in.
That Awkward moment when your sitting in a toilet cubical minding your own business and BAM! a unicorn bursts in and trys to sell you weed.
If Google can't find it, you're screwed.
When I go out with my friends, I like to be the designated driver. I don't mind them getting ridiculously drunk and having a good time. When it's time to go, that's when my fun begins. I like to drop them off at the wrong houses just to confuse them.
without my phone I wouldn't:
1. know what time it is
2. be able to solve a math equation
3. know a single phone number
4. know the date
5. be able to text my friend when i'm at their house
6. take a snap shot at a picture perfect time
7. be able to wake up from an alarm in the morning
8. find my way in the dark
basically, i wouldn't be able to live.
Sorry but im sexually attracted to you and when I touch you and feel you, I just want to rip all of your clothes off... I hope you dont mind ;)
1991: Sh*i! Im pregnant! I havent even gratuated from high school yet... Everyones going to think im a whore...
2011: Yes! Im pregnant, woo hoo! No I can try out for next years 16 & pregnant!
For those who have experienced the pain caused by stepping on a LEGO.
What's the difference between a mistress, a prot*tute and a wife?
**************************************************************************
A mistress says "Slower, slower..."
A prost*tue says "faster, faster..."
A wife says "Orange, i'll paint the ceiling orange!"
I really miss the way things use to be before I grew up...