Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Today i was walking down the street and saw a homeless man. He asked for some change and i gave him $1...then i saw him pull out his iPhone. I knocked his ass out, took back my dollar, and took his iPhone. Now i got an iPhone and a dollar.
You: 'Can Ellie stay over?'
Mum: 'Ellie who?'
You: 'Ellie Smith?'
Mum: 'Who's she?'
You: 'She came over last weekend'
Mum: '?'
You: 'The fat one?' -_-
Mum: 'Oh riiiighhhht!'
Like if this ever has happend to you
Oh really? You actually want to have a fight with me over the internet? Ok, you asked for it. You're going to regret it now. Im going to unleash the fury of CAPSLOCK!
That awkward moment when you are in the bathroom and your sibling thinks it's a good time to come in without knocking...
Dear Chair,
I understand that you get more a$$, but I get more head.
Sincerely,
Pillow
Dear Genitals,
Thank you for not showing the world how horny we are.
Sincerely,
The Women.
If you loved/knew Eminem before "not afraid" or "love the way you lie"
Wouldn't it of been funny if we was all dressed as Apes when the final space shuttle came back?
Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!
The awkward moment you find out the big bad wolf didn't want the pigs, he wanted inhalants, and he wasn't breathing air, but breathing inhalants.
When I'm sad, I like to cut myself .............................................................. Another slice of chocolate cake.
I'm sorry but I just cannot tolerate people who blame rape victims for what the rapist did. I dont give a **** how much she does not cover her body, YOU SHOULD BLAME THE RETARD WHO RAPED HER. If this happens to your sister, you would not want somebody to say 'She deserves it, she wears like a slut'...
A good friend would buy you a pregnancy test and support you as best they can. A best friend would buy you a pregnancy test and wait outside of the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!!!!!"
Magical Mirror
There is a bar with a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you will get sucked in. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says,"I think I am the most beautiful women in the world." it sucks her in. A red head walks up and says,"I think I am the most beautiful women in the world." it sucks her in. A blonde walks up to the mirror and say,"I think." and it sucks her in.
A kiss blown in a kiss wasted. A kiss isn't a kiss until it's tasted. Kisses spread germs and germs are hated. So come over here and kiss me because I'm vaccinated.
Putting "le" in front of a word makes it French
Teacher; Where's your homework?
Student; Written in the stars..
Teacher; Where's that?
Student; A million miles away..
Teacher; What's it about?
Student; A message to the mainn, ooohhh..
Teacher; What are you talking about?
Student; Seasons come and go, but I will never change..
Teacher; TO THE HEAD'S OFFICE, NOW.
Student; I'm on my waaaaaaaayyyy..
Blonde: hey, you left you phone at my house last night, i kept texting you but you didnt reply.
Me: ...
I really can fly, i just don't do it in public
This morning i thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so i swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.
-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast.-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast..
Shouting 'POTATO!' every so often
My Mum says you are what you eat....
That's funny, I haven't eaten any s*xy beasts lately...
Fire bell gose of in school.
Year 7: OMG WE ARE GONNA DIE
Year 8: I cant leave my bag behind!
Year 9: Is it a real fire?! XD
Year 10: meh.. proberlly a drill
Year 11: I started it :D
Have you ever...
*Sat in a car thinking someone was going to break in?
*Lied to your teacher saying you forgot your homework at home, but never did it?
*Laughed so much your stomach started to hurt?
*Fall down in a store and the clerk just stares at you?
*Had that 5 minute silence during a phone call?
If you have had one of these happen, "like!"
Dwayne Johnson, you will always be 'The Rock' in my heart.