Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Listen!
It's my house so I'm player 1....
my friends♥;
friend;; *eating doritos* stupid dorito!
me;; are you talkin to your doritos?
friend;; yeah i name them before i eat them
me;; wow...this is why i love you.
*few minutes of silence*
friend;; *whispers* goodbye bill.
**Types in password** 'Password incorrect' 'Huh?' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect' 'But that IS my password' **types it in again** 'Password incorrect** 'b**ch that IS my password! Im gonna throw this thing out the fu... oh wait, caps lock.'
I wrote swag on a sticky not and stuck it to my light switch. Now every morning I can get up, stretch and then go and turn my swag on.
Don't you hate watching the one you like, liking someone else?
Girl 1 : You look so beautiful.
Girl 2 : Thank you..You too look pretty
Guy 1 : Dude you look handsome.
Guy 2 : Mate, You a "gay"?
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger f*cking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
Getting in to bed,
Favourite pillow *Check*
One leg out of covers *Check*
Phone? *Feels Around*
Kick cover to try and find phone *Phone flies in to the wall and the battery falls out...*
Like if you have ever done one of these things...
1. Gone up a down escalator
2. Tried to make a fish follow your finger
3. Gone in the fridge for no reason
4. Stared at someone to see if they would realise
5. Pretended to drive when in the passengers seat
6. Played air guitar madly
7. (Boys only) Become addicted to COD
8. Watched water droplets fall down a window to see who would win
9. Picked everything off a pizza
10. Laughed at random memories
The only thing i can think of is .............. SEX !!!!!!
Middle School Profile Pictures - you're not cool unless its at an angle with a peace sign, your tongue sticking out, cleavage showing, or if you're a guy you need a hat or a girl with cleavage next to you.
High School Pictures - you're not cool unless its a single pic of you or with your friends doing something weird/child like, you and your bf kissing, you're half naked, or you're doing something illegal.
Teacher: is this made by humans or nature?
me: it's man-made.
teacher: no! never say 'man-made!" women make things too...
me: like, sandwiches?
What’s the point of getting suspended?
How on earth is that considered the right thing to do?
Teachers must not realise that bad children DON’T LIKE SCHOOL so why give them suspension that’s just adding another good thing to there list.
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.
* 1:00 a.m. * Get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you, turn off the lights, run as fast as you can from the bathroom back into your bedroom and jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed, pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you didn't leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back, relax and nuzzle back into your pillow. * 17 seconds later you hear a noise * jump up quickly and realize its the air conditioning coming on and think " man! those ninja's just wont give up tonight.. "
You look hot. At night. Miles away. Behind a wall. In a cave. Deep underground. To a blind person.
The awkward moment when you look up from your phone and the person you have been following around the supermarket isn't your Mom.
Guys only act like d*cks to make up for the ones that they don't have...
Oh you're dating my ex? Cool. Im eating a sandwhich.... You want those leftovers too?
whats the difference between futurama and JLS.................................................................................................................................................................... there is only one bender in futurama
A man and wife were driving down the road after having an argument, and neither one wanted to admit they were wrong. So when the man drives past a farm and sees a group of pigs, he asks his wife "Relatives of yours?" To this, the wife replies "Yep. In-laws."
Don't get ahead of yourself, remember what you're celebrating for. Not for the death of Bin Laden, but for the peace, the loved ones, and the accomplishment
This is a big thanks to all our military personnel, here's to the fallen soldiers who gave up everything for our freedom...
I out smarted a homeless person today. When he asked if he could have my sandwich, I said "Hell No!, your homeless not foodless...."
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so i gave him a cup of water...