Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I told my wife that my ultimate s*x fantasy was to have a three some...
She was mortified when i told her that it didn't involve her...
*BF&GF*
BF:Do you want to?
GF:Idk, im kinda nurvous
BF:Dont be
GF:But it will be my first time..
BF:Ik, im happy I can be your first
GF:Ok, but im going to be screaming and holding onto you the whole time
BF:The rollercoaster isnt that scary babe
Today I bought a packet of salted nuts. On the pack it said "Warning, may contain nuts." Well I would be pretty disappointed if I opened it up and a sock fell out...
**** Before everyone had a phone ****
Friend: Hey what's the time?
You: Time you got a watch!
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when I enter it in iTunes it says 'Syncing Titanic' and I feel like a H E R O when I press 'Cancel'
You know when you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to try and miss a tree then you realise that it was your air freshener hanging from your rear view...
I will never cheat in a Relationship.
OH MY GOD I'M SO FULL I'LL NEVER EAT AGAIN! *two hours later* I'm hungry...
Replying to a text with "k" not only shows that you are an a$$ hole, it also shows that you are a lazy f*ck who abbreviates a two letter word
Millionaires, If you haven't got trampolines as floors and a giant slide from your bed to your swimming pool, then give me your money because you are wasting it.
Just got pulled over by the police.
Officer: "How fast do you think you were going?"
Me: "Urm, about 60mph"
Officer: "Try 130mph..."
So I shut the door and spend off...
*Texting dad*
You: Hey dad, can I get some money for some coke?
Dad: Sure... is $60 enough?
You: Dad. It's $1.25.
Dad: Wow, the price sure went down from when I was a kid...
You: DAD! COCA-COLA?
Dad: Oh...
RIP to the guy who died doing one of the best sports ever..... planking
What’s the point of getting suspended?
How on earth is that considered the right thing to do?
Teachers must not realise that bad children DON’T LIKE SCHOOL so why give them suspension that’s just adding another good thing to there list.
There are the normal boobs ( . )( . ), the silicone boobs ( + )( + ), the perfect boobs (o)(o). Some boobs are cold (^)(^), and some boobs belong to grandmothers ././ And let’s not forget the very large boobs (o Y o), and the very small boobs (.)(.), and lastly the asymmetrical boobs (•)(.) We love them all!
I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without
The great thing about nightmares is that when you wake up, life seems a whole lot better.
Just shut up, you don't know the situation.
Dont you just hate it lads when your taking a p*ss, look away for one second and...BAM! the toilet seat bangs the f*ck out of you p*nis
Last night I was laying in my bed looking up at the stars thinking to myself... "WHERE THE F*CK IS MY ROOF?!"
EVERYDAY, I fight back the urge to text you or talk to you, telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, YOU WOULD.
The many uses of "fml";
-fuck my life ;
-forgot my lunch ;
-feed my llama ;
-fuck me later ;
-free my lizard ;
-feel my lollipop ;
Dear Sexy,
Close the door behind you, get on top of me and satisfy you needs ;)
Sincerely,
The Toilet.
It’s nice when people remember something you thought they’d forget.