Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
There’s always some truth behind every "Just kidding".
There's always some knowledge behind every "I don’t know".
There's always some emotion behind every "I don’t care".
There's always some pain behind every "I'm okay’.”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Who else flushes the toilet just as they start to pee to see if they can finish before the toilet has finished flushing?
Sometimes I get depressed, then I remember I have a great ass and its all ok :)
Dear Facebook can we have a dislike button for things like America, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber And That Friggin Wannabe Rebecca Black
Thanks!
Facebook Users
I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "LOL"...
Are you asking to be punched?
Scientifically it has been proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
Why is it, if a songs plays on my iPod and I don't like it, I skip it. But when you are listening to the radio, If that same song comes on then it's automatically good?
Millionaires, If you haven't got trampolines as floors and a giant slide from your bed to your swimming pool, then give me your money because you are wasting it.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; If a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
Harry Potter made wizards cool again, Left 4 Dead made zombies cool again, The Dark Knight made superheroes cool again, Twilight made vampires uncool forever
Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! - Bob Marley
Make-up can make you look pretty on the outside, but it can't help if you are ugly on the inside...
How Many Men Does It Take To Open A Beer?
None. It Should Be Open By The Time She Brings It.
Everytime I see you, a voice in my head goes "sluuuuuuuuuttt!!"
That awkward moment when you go into your closet looking for Narnia and you find the door to Monsters Inc instead...
Boy: I love you
Girl: Prove it! Scream to the world that you love me
Boy: *whispers* I love you
Girl: Why'd you whisper it to me?
Boy: 'Cause YOU ARE MY WORLD!
1/1/11, 11/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/11/11 All In ONE Year! ♥
See this cup? It's got alcohol in it. Therefore anything I do or say beyond this point should not be taken seriously and I apologise in advanced for anything that may cause harm or offence.
"Shaggy, you Scoob and Velma go downstairs and check the basement; Daphne and I'll go upstairs and check the bedroom..."
Freddy, you magnificent b*stard...
The embarrassment when you walk out of the house and have to go back in to change, because you realise that you're just too sexy for your shirt!! :/
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king. :P
To all the users of Facebook: 1. Women, we do not wan't to see a profile picture of you making out with your boyfriend, it's disgusting. 2. Men, we know, your girlfriend is extremely hot, stop bragging about it or i'll rip your balls off.
I refuse to bungee jump. I came into this world because of broken rubber and I don't want to leave by the same way...