Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
How do you get a girl to squeeze her t*ts together?
***********************************************************
Ask her if she can touch both of her elbows together...
ask me if i'm a tree.
no.
ask me if i'm a tree.
NO.
ask me if i'm a tree.
ARE YOU A FUCKING TREE?
wtf? why would i be a tree?
Fire bell gose of in school.
Year 7: OMG WE ARE GONNA DIE
Year 8: I cant leave my bag behind!
Year 9: Is it a real fire?! XD
Year 10: meh.. proberlly a drill
Year 11: I started it :D
What makes a girl cute is her behavior.
What makes a girl pretty is her face.
What makes a girl hot is her body.
What makes a girl beautiful is her personality.
What makes a girl stunning is all of the above.
"Clean your room, family are coming over." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise the gathering would be held in my bedroom."
The awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...
my f*cking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. can you believe that?! 2:30am! luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I am sick of hearing how the term "hacker" means you're a criminal. I'd like to start a serious campaign to spread the message that hackers are people that are computer enthusiasts using computers in unorthodox and creative ways. Hackers are people that think outside the box.
a duck goes into a bar
duck:got any bread
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
bartender:no and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
duck:got any nails
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
**** Nerd's Phone Rings In Class ****
Jock: Who was that? Was it your girlfriend complaining about what a loser she is with?
Nerd: No actually, It was yours...
Whole Class: Ohhhhh sh*t!
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep....not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
********I Always Do This!********
When you get into an elevator and look at the maximum capacity and start mentally calculating everyones weight...
Friend:Dude,I wasn't that drunk.
Me:Dude,WHAT?!?!? You threw my hamster and saying "GO PIKACHU!!!"
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.
Spitting Your Drink Out Because You're Laughing
"Where is the remote?" ..... "All the way over there." ..... "Guess I'm watching this."
"Why are you talking during my lesson?" ... "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
95% of teens would cry if they saw Justin Bieber at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Like this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "DO A FLIP!!! and push him off 4 minutes ago
I will only stop loving you when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water.
If Bin Laden had of spent more time playing COD he would of realized camping can only last for so long...
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about s*x.
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me c*ck on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"
First, get to know me. Then you can say that you hate me.
When life hands you lemons............ DEMAND Tequila and Salt!!!!!!