Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
"Hey, have you heard the new joke about voldemort?", "Nope..', "Awww, nobody nose it!"
There are 5 kinds of guys out there:
70% of guys are great friends, but will not be great boyfriends
20% of guys are bad.
5% of guys are gays.
4% of guys are geeks.
Like if you are the 1% that will always love, tender your Gf or wife and kindhearted, pure person.
The hardest thing in life to explain is the reason why you love someone. It's like trying to explain the taste of water...
The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Please stop saying "Don't play with your food!"
You spent the first two years of my life convincing me that it was a plane...
******The First Time Someone Used The Middle Finger*******
Person 1: I'm so mad right now, i could just, i could....GAH
****Sticks up middle finger*****
Person 2: What's that mean?
Person 1: I don't know, but it just feels right...
It has been scientifically proven that any women can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches. The good thing is that it doesn't matter whether it's Visa, MasterCard or Amex.
When those "Cruelty to Animals" adverts come on the TV, I force my dogs to sit and watch just so they know how lucky they are. Spoilt Brats...
girl: wanna try something new? bf: yeah k. girl: alright come to my house after school. (boy walks to her house thinks what does she want to do? does she want to have s*x, should i have a condom? will i need more than 1, i'll go buy some) 30 min later at girls house (boy knocks and girl answers) girl: "hey, come up to my room for your suprise" "bf: "alright" (as he's walking pulls out condom) *at door* girl: "ok, here we go, (bf's name) say hello to my mum and dad." (bf standing pants down)
"'baby baby baby ooooh'
*mum walks in*
Mum: WHAT are you doing!?
Boy: I'm watching p0rn
Mum: Oh few, I thought you were Listening to Justin Bieber"
Suffering the hot side of the pillow while the cold side charges...
Some of you may know Shia LaBeouf as the guy from the Transformers trilogy, but us awesome 90's kids remeber him from Even Stevens, The Evens Stevens Film and The Film Holes.
gf ; what would you do if i broke up with you .
bf ; i would go back to my ex .
gf ; ( crying ) im breakin up with you .
* many hours later .*
bf ; will you go out with me ?
gf ; i thought you were going to your ex .
bf ; you are my ex . (:
gf ; ♥
bf ; ♥
Guys have no idea how long something they said can stay in a girl's mind..
Men have two emotions, hungry and h*rny. If he doesn't have an erecti*n, go make him a sandwich...
First "Dynamite", then "Firework", THEN "Grenade", what's next? "Nuclear Bomb"?
Man up! Stop posting soppy facebook pages and live your life happy!
Okay, so this c*nt comes at me like "WTF MATE" and im all in his GRILL like "WAT KENT" and his all like "F*CKIN WAT" and now im in hospital -.-
"your whipped!" - "no 'bruv, it's called being faithful, Pr*ck"
I signed up to a gym the other day and I got a free session with a personal trainer.
Me: "I want a to be able to impress all the girls, tell what machines to go on..."
Personal Trainer: "Haha you don't need the gym for that, there's an ATM over there, just use that...
Guy: I'm jealous of your pillow.
Girl: Why?
Guy: It sleeps next to you everynight, it wipes away your tears, you hug it alot, and it gets to see you all the time.
Is it JUST me that whenever im READING something and there are RANDOM capitalised WORDS you put them together and try to uncover a secret code...
Why do they call it break dancing if you don’t break anything :S …
That "oh Sh*t" moment when you hear your mom shout your name from down stairs so you do a quick recap of all the things you have done recently to see if you're in trouble...
Boy:"why do you striaghten your hair?" Girl:"becuase it makes my hair longer" Boy:"really?" *30 min later* Docter:"so tell me why you burnt your dick with a straightener?" Boy:...