Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Saying guns kill people is like blaming a pen for misspelling a word.
I remember when my best friend was the shy and quiet one... I created a monster:D
Duvet not covering foot . . . foot not safe :(
Yo mama so stupid that one day i was her with 2 quarters in her ears. When i asked what she was doing she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."
Phew. Thank you warning label, I was just about to use my shiny new hair dryer while i'm in the shower... What a mistake that would of been..
I don't like to think before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Make-up can make you look pretty on the outside, but it can't help if you are ugly on the inside...
*new message* oh it's you. f*ck off.
I just love how a winky face can turn any old sentence into a dirty one:
"You want a pickle?"
"You want a pickle? ;)"
When you're in class and you purposely break the tip of your pencil just so you can walk past your friend, to get to the bin and for those few moments while you're not doing any work, you feel more superior...
New Durex condom slogan's:
1. cover your stump before you hump.
2. dont be a loner, cover your boner
3. if you think she's spunky cover your monkey
4. dont be a fool, Cover your tool
5. Wrap your bait before you mate
6. plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
7. package your meat for a real nice treat
8. rap that wanger before you bang her
9.if your nude then tube your dude.
10. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden's name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing...
There is a reason why your heart is located on the left. It's because it's not always right.
Brunette: I had so much fun last night!
Blonde: Why what did you get up to?
Brunette: I slept with a Brazilian...
Blonde: You sl*t! You're worse then me, how many is a Brazillion?
If you watch Harry potter backwards it's a whole 7 flims of a guy who think's he's a wizard, but in the last one, a giant comes and tells him he's not, so he becomes suicidal and locks himself under the stairs.
When those "Cruelty to Animals" adverts come on the TV, I force my dogs to sit and watch just so they know how lucky they are. Spoilt Brats...
"Dude, where's my phone?! Like seriously? I just had it, I swear!"
"Caaallm down."
"How can I be calm? I can't find my phone!"
"Dude, you're talking to me on your phone right now!"
Student: Sir, can i got to the bathroom?
Teacher: No it can wait
Student: No. i NEED to go to the bathroom...
Teacher: No! now sit down.
Student: DO YOU WANT ME TO BLEED ON YOUR SEAT?!
The awkward moment when you're really really angry and everyone is trying to cheer you up by making you laugh and they bring out that little smirk on your face and you think to yourself "No I'm mad, Stop it"
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like 'Wanna trade cards?' Damn right, I wanna trade cards. I'll trade this, but not my charizard...
A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend, yes you, you can kiss my ass
Only on Facebook is it acceptable to talk to a wall.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep....not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
The awkward moment when you continually have poke wars with someone, but you never actually talk to them in person or facebook.
Did you ever notice, when people tell you you've changed, it's only because you stopped acting the way they want you to act.