I felt special until i saw you talk to everyone like that... :/
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
*internet's down*
"... for more details on how to fix your internet connection please visit www..."
Like this if this has ever happened to you.
Jagerbombs
I ♥ my own bed. But I’ll be honest, I'd much rather be in yours ;)
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Everyone go back! It's a blow job!
I'm just a typical teenager?
I have a messy room.
I am moody.
I have fallouts/arguments.
I swear.
I moan most of the time.
I spend most of my time on my laptop.
I have private things on my phone.
I go to bed late.
So mum and dad.. deal with it.
Death is Gods way of saying "You are fired"
Suicide is a Humans way of saying "You can't fire me, I quit!"
without my cell phone i wouldn't:
1. know what time it is
2. be able to solve a math equation
3. know a single phone number
4. know the date
5. be able to text my friend when i'm at their house
6. take a snap shot at a picture perfect time
7. be able to wake up from an alarm in the morning
8. find my way in the dark
basically, i wouldn't be able to live.
Three nuns were talking. the first nun says, "the other day, i was cleaning father mcinty's room and i found pornographic magazines under his bed!" the second nun says, "i can top that. yesterday i was cleaning father mcinty's room and i found some condoms!" the other nuns asked, "what did you do with them?" the second nun said, "i poked holes in them." the third nun fainted.
BEST PRANK EVER. . I took my friend's phone and changed my contact name to mom.
Then texted her: I read you diary. You are grounded and I'm coming to pick you up right now. She started flipping out and got really scared
I STILL don't understand how Dick is short for Richard. =
The awkward moment you find out the big bad wolf didn't want the pigs, he wanted inhalants, and he wasn't breathing air, but breathing inhalants.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked, with beer....
Doing something embarrassing then looking about to see if anyone seen.. :P
In America, kids shut their eyes slightly and say "Haha me Chinese, I like tofu. Me kwan do ee fah!"
In China kids open their eyes as wide as they can and say "Heeeeey I'm American. I'm fat and I like hamburgers! Nom nom nom nom nom..."
When i was a kid, i hated going to bed. Now i cherish every hour of sleep.
Dear Genitals,
Thank you for not showing the world how horny we are.
Sincerely,
The Women.
I was thinking to myself how people like to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then in dawned on me, they must be cramming for finals.
Girls want a lot of things from one guy... conversely...
guys want a one thing from a lot of girls...
I've just realised that all books, no matter how long they are, what genre they are or even what age group they are, they are all made up of different combinations of just 26 letters... Your Mind = Blown
Partying Bevrages Evolution
Age 10: Orange Juice and Milkshake
Age 14: Fizzy Drinks
Age 17: Alcoholic Drinks
Age 25: Even Stronger Booze
Age 40: EVEN Worse
Age 60: Tea + Coffee
Age 90: Water
When I was younger, my dad used to show me pictures about why it's important to always wear a condom...
Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me...
You hate me?! Wow, I didn't even know you existed...
"screw you guys im going home!" - Eric Cartman
"Oh my god they killed Kenny!" - Kyle
"mm mmph mm mmph m mmm mph" - Kenny
LIKE IF U "LIKE" SOUTHPARK! :D
If he can't handle you in sweat pants, then he doesn't deserve you with a wedding dress on - Drake
Grammar is important. Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.