Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
You're watching your dog chase its tail and think that dogs are easily amused, right then you turn around look at the time and realise you just watched your dog chase its tail for 10 min -_-
Adding "and sh*t" to the end of any sentence makes it sound cooler and sh*t...
"Do this for me" "no" "if you love me you will :)" "Fiiiine!!"
Men are born between a woman's legs. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in-between them.
Why?
Because there is no place like home...
I do what I want, where I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, where ever I want.......
But as long as my mommy says it's OK first...
When you say something funny to your friends and then someone you don't like laughs as well... Then you're like "No. You're not allowed to laugh at my jokes..." -_-
Life is a marshmallow, easy to chew but hard to swallow.
I hate it when i sleep at someones house and wake up AGES before them.
The awkward moment when you are an Atheist and you die and come back as a tree, but then they cut you down, turn you into paper and then print a bible on you...
once youu enter highschool.. things change.
your best friend becomes a BiTCH.
your boyfriend becomes a PRiCK.
homework goes in the TRASH.
cell phones are being used in CLASS.
detention becomes SUSPENSiON.
soda becomes BEER.
gum becomes POT.
bikes becomes CARS.
lollipops becomes CiGARETTES.
lipgloss becomes MAKE UP.
french kissing becomes SEX.
yeah.. high school does change everybody.
That moment of joy when your was at school and you and your friend get put in the same group for a project...
Just Seeing Your Name On Facebook Pisses Me Off.
I'm p*ssed man. Just had 5000 business card printed and they Read "John Brown, Therapist." Stupid idiots forgot to put a space in my profession.
If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
"Clean your room, family are coming over." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise the gathering would be held in my bedroom."
life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind!
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
elementary school: mummy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: who's that? my friend...
Guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in poo up to their necks. second room, people are standing with poo up to their noses. Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with poo up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "Ok coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
When a girl hacks a Facebook account: OMG Amy! You have been hacked By Megan! Love Ya
When a boy hacks a Facebook account: Im gay!
In 2011 i've said "i love you" and meant it
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes..
I'm wearing my BEST butt jeans, my cutest shirt, my hair looks amazing, and no matter where i go looking like this, NO hot guys are there.
I'm at Wal*Mart, hair tied up in a bun, no makeup, sweat pants,old t-shirt with paint and holes in it, and slippers. and every time I turn around, HOT GUYS EVERYWHERE.
freakkin lovely.
Yelling someone's name then realising its a stranger.....awkward...=X
If a guy compliments your shirt,
He's really saying he likes the way your boobs look in that shirt
If a guy compliments your pants,
he likes your ass
If he compliments (your shoes)
well hun, he's gay.