Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Who lives in a coffin under the sea..... ♫ ♪....OSAMA BINLADEN! ...whooz freaky and evil but as dead as can be? OSAMA BINLADEN!...♫ ♪....If bombing a country be something you wish OSAMA BIN LADEN...♫ ♪.... Then then do it yourself cause this man is dead! OSAMA BIN LADEN...♫ ♪....
If cheryl cole gets cheated on, then we've got no hope.
I might hug other guys, i might laugh with other guys, i might even hang out with other guys.. but none of them will ever mean to me as much as you do.
The awkward moment when your late for class, then when you walk in, everyone just stares at you... like you killed someone...
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
When I was a little kid my mommy told me that girls were just boy that got kicked in the balls too hard when they were babies... so then I chased my brother around yelling, "Stop running away!! I just wanna sister!!"
boy: I have something I have to say..
girl: Okay
boy: I lo-
girl: *Smiles and blushes*
boy: -st the game
I hate it when you no the boy likes you but he just doesn't have the guts to say "i love you!"
All the world leaders have hinted that there might be a bank holiday to mark Osama Bin Ladens death...
So, all together now
We're all going on Osama holiday...
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
8 of the worst pains in the world:
1) knocking your elbow or knee against a table or chair real hard.
2) burning your tongue on a hot drink.
3) stepping on a sharp rock or prickle.
4) paper cuts.
5) stubbing your toe
6) biting you tongue!
7) getting kicked in the balls.. or childbirth...
8) listening to 'Friday' by Rebecca Black....
This blonde chick called me the other day. I couldn't stop laughing at her, because the first thing she said was, can i have your number?
*at a restaurant*
person 1: this food is sh*t!
person 2: send it back then?
*waiter comes over*
is everything alright with your food:)?
person 1: yes thank you its lovely:).
person 2: wtf?..
The awkward moment when you're in a lift with an obese person and they catch you looking at the weight limit sign...
Don't be afraid to use the word motherfu*ker at school...
Why? Well my dear friend..Just tell your teacher its a noun ;)
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
A Birth Control Pill:
***********************
The second best thing a woman can swallow to avoid pregnancy...
The new report card system:
A = Asian
B = Below Asian
C = Can't be Asian
D = Don't bother trying to be Asian
F = F*ck it, you'll never be Asian
What's a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girl all got in common?
All the senarios involve a dumbass who didnt take it out in time...
When I go out with my friends, I like to be the designated driver. I don't mind them getting ridiculously drunk and having a good time. When it's time to go, that's when my fun begins. I like to drop them off at the wrong houses just to confuse them.
Dont you hate it when you're changing in the locker rooms and some dumb chick has a period stain .... ruines your whole day :(
If all the countries in the world are in debt, where the f*ck did all the money go?
If women ruled the world. There'd be no wars, no mass killing of the innocent. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to one another.
I got thrown off the golf course the other day for using the ball washer.
They really should call it a GOLF ball washer...
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. As she was leaving, she yelled "You need to grow up!". I don't know what has gotten into her. It's probably because i didn't give her the password to my secret fort.