Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing!
"Do this for me" "no" "if you love me you will :)" "Fiiiine!!"
I hate it when I originally pick the right answer and then change it
The awkward moment when your Mom is washing the dishes and you try and put your plate in the sink ninja style
Why is m*sturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.
a duck goes into a bar
duck:got any bread
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
bartender:no and if you ask me if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar
duck:got any nails
bartender:no
duck:got any bread
The first ten years of a girls life is spent playing with barbies. The next ten years is spent trying to look like one...
Dear Japan,
We are all thinking about you and that earthquake you recently received so, hang in there and be brave
You can tell a lot about a person by what car they drive.
For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman....
girl: dad i'm pregnant
dad: who to?
girl: well its either: simon, muneer, indy, andrew, ben, john, kane, leon, liam, oliver, tom, george, adam, william, lachie, rick, eli, richard, steve, harry, james, justin, nick or patrick.
dad: well it couldn't possibly have been justin...
R.I.P. Comment Button.
*Kid wakes up in class.
Teacher: asks student "can you tell me what that is?"
*kids best friend mouths "4" while lifting his fingers, the student thanks him with a nod and reply's "4"
Teacher: looking confused and disappointed says "So the first native tribe to make a treaty with France was... 4?"
Gotta love your friends.
Rebecca Black: "Kickin' in the front seat Sittin' in the back seat Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?" I don't think she understands the Shotgun rules.....
That little smile after a kiss :')
"All I do is WIN WIN WIN no matter what..."
Grandma, you're just at the ATM, chill man.
Hi, can I help you?" "No, I just waited in line for 15 minutes to say Hi."
They say Disney Land is the happiest place on Earth......well they've obviously never been in your arms =) x
^^Well obviously they've never been to Narnia
Almost sneezing, making that face, not sneezing, and looking like an idiot
Boy goes to a strip club; his mom gets angry and asks him: "did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?"
Boy; ''yes... i saw Dad..."
An english professor wrote the words: ''A woman without her man is nothing'' on the chalkboard. He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: ''A woman, without her man, is nothing.''
All the females in the class wrote: ''A woman: without her, man is nothing.''
Boy:"why do you striaghten your hair?" Girl:"becuase it makes my hair longer" Boy:"really?" *30 min later* Docter:"so tell me why you burnt your dick with a straightener?" Boy:...
Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight..I'd never be bored again!
Dear Girls of the Internet...
Making that "I've just eaten a lemon face" while taking a photo, is UNATTRACTIVE!
Sincerely Boys of the Internet.