Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
When I turn 18... I'll be able to legally do all the things I've been doing since age 13 :)
There is one person in everyone's life who always gets given numerous chances. The reason?
Because you love them more than you hate them...
I don't usually finish my sentences..... but when i do.....
Dear Adults,
I'm a teenager, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do any kinds of drugs, I'm not going out having s*x. My idea of fun is playing guitar, listening to music, and shooting guns, at targets. Whoever said that our generation is so terrible, please don't be so judgmental. Not all of us are bad, you guys just don't take the time to look for the right ones.
Sincerely, "good" kids.
Lazy Rule #1: Get your Facebook statuses from like sites, mobile phone apps, lyrics and anything else random that you come across...
8 of the worst pains in the world:
1) knocking your elbow or knee against a table or chair real hard.
2) burning your tongue on a hot drink.
3) stepping on a sharp rock or prickle.
4) paper cuts.
5) stubbing your toe
6) biting you tongue!
7) getting kicked in the balls.. or childbirth...
8) listening to 'Friday' by Rebecca Black....
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a p*nis have in common?
****************************************************************
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Guy: I'm jealous of your pillow.
Girl: Why?
Guy: It sleeps next to you everynight, it wipes away your tears, you hug it alot, and it gets to see you all the time.
I don't get old.....MOTHER F*CKER I LEVEL UP!
Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals
Don't you hate it when you get superglue on your fingers and then it won't dry until the EXACT moment you decide to touch something?
Friend:Dude,I wasn't that drunk.
Me:Dude,WHAT?!?!? You threw my hamster and saying "GO PIKACHU!!!"
Realising someone doesn’t speak English and speaking to them in a slow, loud and retarded voice cause you’re a fearless b*stard.
How cool would it be if each country had facebook?
Japan wrote on Chinas' wall....
America poked Afganistan...
England has 0 friends.....'
Like if youre one of the people WITHOUT a Blackberry? :)
Daughter: Goodnight dad love you.
Dad: Love you to.
Son: Goodnight dad love you.
Dad: Son before you go to bed can i ask you something.
Son: What..
Dad: Are you f*cking gay.
I Restart The Song When I Miss My Favorite Part
Harry: I can talk to snakes
Ron: Yeah well Dumbledore gave me his magic lighter
Harry: I have an invisibility cloak
Ron: I have parents
Harry: I banged your sister
Ron: ........
My wife said she is leaving me because she said I always relate everything to Batman...
... What a joker...
I love it when someone logs on to facebook on your laptop and you pretend to say you logged out and then you read everything like who they're talking to and you find out stuff you didn't even know about them.
In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30.
I hate when I'm at weddings and all the old people poke you and say "You're next..."
So I started doing the same to them at funerals...
teacher: Kyle, what is the answer to number 27 of the homework?
Kyle: umm...
Kid sitting behind him: (whispered) 42.
Kyle: 42?
Teacher: (surprised) that's right.
Like this if this has ever happened to you.
Can not connect to network. Try resetting your wireless router" umm ok but what if my router is in my neighbor's house? Should I call him?
My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"