Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
The difference between School & Life? In School, you're taught a lesson & then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson ♥
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight..I'd never be bored again!
The awkward moment when you walk outside in your pjs to get the mail, and your crush walks past and gives you a wierd look :/
I felt special until i saw you talk to everyone like that... :/
A police officer stops a man on the highway.
The man says “Did you stop me for speeding?”
The officer replies “Yes, I stopped you for speeding”
The man replies “Well I have a gun in my glove compartment, and have a dead body in my trunk”
The officer pulls back and calls for back up and waits. Minute’s later back up arrives.
The second officer says “My partner says you had a dead body in the trunk and a gun is the glove compartment."
So the cop checks the glove compartment, no gun. He checks the trunk, no body.
Officer 2 asks, "Do you have a gun?"
The man says, "No, sir."
Officer 2 asks, "Did you steal this car?"
The Man replies, "Nope."
Officer 2 decides to be straight and confront the man by asking, "My partner said you had a dead body and a gun."
The guy replies, "I bet he said I was speeding too!!!"
Teacher: "Have you done your homework?"
Student: "Have you graded my test?"
Teacher: "No, I have other student's stuff to grade"
Student: "I have other teacher's homework to do"
Q: What's the useless skin around a v*gina called?
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A: The woman.
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Everyone go back! It's a blow job!
I bet that in 1915 they thought 2010 would be made of flying cars and robots instead, we have;
rebels in school because the cane is gone, teenagers who wear short skirts and low tops, and offensive logos on shirts, no robots, no flying cars, just a bunch of smart asses! (: but, welcome to the future grandma (:
You can do three things in life:
1. Make Stuff Happen
2. Watch Stuff Happen
3. Or Wonder what the f*ck has just happened...
Our hearts go out to all those affected in QLD floods
*********BOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!************
Ypu just got good luck for 24hrs by reading this 'Like'. Keep it going and click the 'Like' button to spread good luck to all your friends.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
100 Friends - Thats ok.
200 Friends - Eh, Your getting there.
300 Friends - Good amount.
400 Friends - Sorta popular.
500 Friends - Your well known.
600 Friends - Your a sl*t.
700 Friends - Big sl*t.
800 Friends - You dont even know half of them.
900 Friends - Nerd.
1000 Friends - Facebook is your life.
Fire bell gose of in school.
Year 7: OMG WE ARE GONNA DIE
Year 8: I cant leave my bag behind!
Year 9: Is it a real fire?! XD
Year 10: meh.. proberlly a drill
Year 11: I started it :D
Anyone else wonder why Spongebob is the only sponge, Squidward is the only squid, Patrick is the only star fish, Mr Krabs is the only crab and Sandy's the only squirrel in Bikini Bottom and why the rest are just fish?
You're 12. You're not a virgin. You drink. You smoke. You swear. You have a ton of piercings. You barely wear any clothes. You wear layers and layers of make-up, and everyone hates you. I wonder what your parents think?
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
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After 5 years, your job will still suck...
A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend, yes you, you can kiss my ass
I THINK FACEBOOK NEEDS A "NOBODY CARES' BUTTON
When im stressed, I eat chocolate, ice-cream and cake.
Do You Know Why?
Because stressed backwards is desserts
I hate when you're trying to type something then someone interupts you and you start typing what they was saying to you!
*new message* oh it's you. f*ck off.
Dear V*gina,
I am requesting a pay due to the following reasons;
1. I do a lot of physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything that I do.
4. I work weekdays & nights, weekends and holidays.
5. I work in damp, dark and enclosed spaces.
6. My work makes me very prone to diseases.
Regards,
P*nis.
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Dear P*nis,
After long consideration, I am going to decline your request for a pay rise for the following reasons;
1. Your shifts only ever seem to be about 10 minutes long
2. You fall asleep after each shift.
3. You always have to be simulated, you never seem to be self motivated.
4. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts.
5. You work place is always messy at the end of your shift.
6. You have been constantly been seen entering and exiting the work place with to small, suspicious looking bags.
Regards,
V*gina