Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I love how all theses likes either have to do with being single, or guys being jerks, or the most amazing things a guy can say to you....all i wanna say is.....PURPLE COWS!!
I can't promise you a perfect relationship without arguments and difference. However, I can promise, that as long as you're trying, then I'm staying.
*At the mall*
Me: Dad! Can I please buy this?
Dad: Use your own money!
me: But I left it at home!
Dad: Ok, but you gotta pay me back later..
*At home"
dad forgets.
you go with the flow.
Like if this ever happened to you :)
I don't care how old I am, just get me a damn advent calendar!!!
Roses are red,
Nuts are brown,
Skirts are up,
Pants are down,
Body to body,
Skin to skin,
When it's stiff stick it in.
I Hate Getting Texts That Only Say "k"
Who else has that annoying friend on Facebook who spams their wall?
I changed the name of my computer to "That Thang" so every month my computer asks "Do you want to back 'That Thang' up?"
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don't make her fall, if you don't plan to catch her.
Did you know that the names of the characters in Inception are:
D = Dom
R = Robert
E = Eames
A = Arthur
M = MAl
S = Saito
Your Mind = Inceptionally Blown
That moment when you have just got into bed after a long hard day and then you realise that you have forgot something, so you lie there for a while contemplating whether it's worth getting back up for...
Akward moment when you are sitting there then your door opens and no one walks in and for those five seconds your thinking "i had a good/terrible life..." and then your cat walks in the door.......
Mother: ...Ok, go and play with your dolls until dinner is done...
Son: There not dolls, THERE. ACTION. FIGURES!
I signed up to a gym the other day and I got a free session with a personal trainer.
Me: "I want a to be able to impress all the girls, tell what machines to go on..."
Personal Trainer: "Haha you don't need the gym for that, there's an ATM over there, just use that...
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!
I'm not trying to sound like a bad man or anything but... I agree to the terms and conditions without reading them...
I remember when I was kid. I used to bug my mom for a Super Nintendo every day. So one day, when I came home from school. She had tied a cape around my regular Nintendo and told me to STFU!
**********When I Was Younger*************
When I was younger, I used to pour my pop into the lid of my drink bottle and pretend to take a shot.
Call me a slut, call me a whore, if u dont like me there's the door. call me anorexic, call me fat, i can put it on or i can lose that. call me annoying, call me dumb, excuse me miss I'm having fun. call me a flirt, call me a fake, that's just me so give me a break. call me weird, call me a geek, call me what you want, I'm just unique
I heard you’re a player, so lets play a game.
Let’s sweet talk.
Let’s play fight.
Let’s talk 24/7.
Let’s tell each other good morning and good night every day.
Let’s take walks together.
Let’s give each other nicknames.
Let’s hang out with each other’s friends.
Let’s go on dates.
Let’s talk on the phone all night long.
Let’s hold each other.
Let’s kiss and hug.
And whoever falls in love first? Loses.
"I failed!" "Me too!!" "HIGH FIVE!"
I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter, One Letter!
Putting "le" in front of a word makes it French
Substitute teacher: "Does your teacher let you do that?" Students: "Yes..."
In a recent survey, it was revealed that 29% of pet owners happy to let their pets sleep on the end of their bed. I tried it once. F*cking gold fish died...