Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Me: whatcha doing
Friend: YA MOM!
Me: Well guess what, JOKES ON YOU! my mom has aids!
Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it.
WAS IT A CAR OR A CAT I SAW.. 'WASITACARORACATISAW'.. This is the only English sentence which even if we read in reverse, it'll give the same
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck as much as he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood!
Grandpa Joe From Charlie & The Chocolate Factory = Scrounging B*stard.
20 Years he was in that bed, and as soon as a golden ticket comes along... "Oh actually I can walk, and I can dance around and hop and stuff..."
If abortion is classed as murder, then bl*wjobs should be classed as cannibalism and m*sturbation should be classed as mass genocide.
Condom says to Tampax: you put me out of business for 1 week a month!!
Tampax says to Condom: If you don't do your job right I lose mine for 9 months!!!!
Scientist are trying to to adapt viagra so it can work on women. I think it's a waste of time personally, it already exsists...
It's called money...
Everyone wants happiness. No one wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow without a little rain...
"Let's eat Grandma" or "Let's eat, Grandma" - Punctuation saves lives.
When you're smiling at your phone or computer and your parents ask who you're talking too...
"Mind Your Own Business!"
*GIRLS*
Hair: 30min-2hrs..
Makeup: 5-20mins.
Outfit: 10min-3hrs.
*BOYS*
Hair: 0-5mins.
Makeup: I hope not.
Outfit: 1-10mins.
Here is how it goes down in a test:
* Finish the first page of the test as fast as you can *
** Then once the first page is done, turn over as loud as you can so everyone knows that you are ahead of them **
I hate when I'm in my own world, staring at absolutely nothing, and then all of a sudden I realise that I have been staring at some other person for the past ten minutes...
'you asleep?' .. ''yes''
When a woman says "What" it's not because she didn't hear you - she is giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said!
Mr Krabs: ...that makes you look like a girl...
Spongebob: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr Krabs: Well. Yes, you're... you're beautiful
*** Awkward moment when mail man walks past ****
Dear Tounge,
Can't touch this!
Sincerely,
Elbow
I text you a whole paragraph within 5 minutes and you text me back 40 minutes later saying "LOL"...
Are you asking to be punched?
Facebook have recently announced that they are willing to add a dislike button for the whole facebook community to use. If this like can get 1 million likes, facebook will introduce this button for everyone to use.
I'm just a typical teenager?
I have a messy room.
I am moody.
I have fallouts/arguments.
I swear.
I moan most of the time.
I spend most of my time on my laptop.
I have private things on my phone.
I go to bed late.
So mum and dad.. deal with it.
Did you ever notice, when people tell you you've changed, it's only because you stopped acting the way they want you to act.
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
A guy broke into my appartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.. Sick bastard..
I changed the name of my computer to "That Thang" so every month my computer asks "Do you want to back 'That Thang' up?"