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By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Sarcasm (n.) - the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes.
I hate it when my friends tell me a joke and they're like "You had to be there" and i'm like "Yeah, I would have been if you had invited me...."
When everything in your life goes wrong, there's always that one person to put a smile on your face
Mr Krabs: ...that makes you look like a girl...
Spongebob: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr Krabs: Well. Yes, you're... you're beautiful
*** Awkward moment when mail man walks past ****
My Momma once said to me: "Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if your morbidly obese..."
Don't worry babe, I will tell you when... Not really b*tch you're swallowing!
Shes my best friend of course im going to tell her everything you just said
Sometimes We Expect More From Others Because We Would Be Willing to Do That Much for Them.
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Them: Awww! You have gotten so big since the last time I saw you. I remember when you were just a little kid.
Me In head: Who the f*ck are you?
The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
-Poke everyone back
-Go on homepage
-Do the "happy birthday" ritual
-Go back to homepage
-Change from "Top news" to "Most recent"
-Have a little scroll down
-Like a couple of pages
-You're bored already...
Have you ever heard anyone say "I Dunno, Yahoo It!"
I don't think so!
Just Seeing Your Name On Facebook Pisses Me Off.
I Hate Getting Texts That Only Say "k"
"please don't go, I never want to stop talking to you, you're the best, I love you"
like if you've ever felt like this.
"And i was like f*ck you.'" "Did you say that!?" "Nah, but i thought it.."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
12 Year Old: "Your stupid!" 9 Year Old: "Yeah, well I hope your phone breaks!" 12 Year Old: "I hope all your crayons break!" 9 Year Old: "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!"
What if our dreams are just blurred memories of our previous lives...
A wife walks into her bedroom naked. Her husband asks "What on Earth are you wearing?"
She replies: "My birthday suit..."
He replies: "Well go and iron it!"
When a woman says "What" it's not because she didn't hear you - she is giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said!
Fire bell gose of in school.
Year 7: OMG WE ARE GONNA DIE
Year 8: I cant leave my bag behind!
Year 9: Is it a real fire?! XD
Year 10: meh.. proberlly a drill
Year 11: I started it :D
Why is my bed suddenly so comfortable when the alarm goes off?
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