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By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Anyone else wonder why Spongebob is the only sponge, Squidward is the only squid, Patrick is the only star fish, Mr Krabs is the only crab and Sandy's the only squirrel in Bikini Bottom and why the rest are just fish?
Phew. Thank you warning label, I was just about to use my shiny new hair dryer while i'm in the shower... What a mistake that would of been..
Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed..
boy asks his mum "is it wrong to have a willy" she says no, why do you ask? boy replies, COZ DADS IN THE BATHROOM SWEATING LIKE MAD TRYING 2 PULL HIS OFF....
I wrote swag on a sticky not and stuck it to my light switch. Now every morning I can get up, stretch and then go and turn my swag on.
Mom, I could be dying and you're not answering the phone!
Don't worry babe, I will tell you when... Not really b*tch you're swallowing!
no relationship is perfect, and if you say yours is.........then wake up and stop dreaming cause love hurts at times, but at the end of the day its worth it because without love, we are nothing
Slowly but surely, sunbeds are going to banned all over the world. So in a few thousand years from now, people are going to dig up abandoned sunbeds and think that we fried people as a punishment.
Thinking there is an extra stair, and almost trip because you try to use it
Saying 'lol' more than once in a sentence
Make-up can make you look pretty on the outside, but it can't help if you are ugly on the inside...
Guess what? she's one of my best friends. and i don't care if you weigh twice as much as me and are a foot taller; if you break her heart I'll break your face. :)
Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime...
If he's complimenting your shirt he's staring at your boobs
If he's complementing your pants he's staring at your ass
If he's complementing your shoes honey he's Gay
You hate me?! Wow, I didn't even know you existed...
Single isn't a status. It's a word that describes a person who is strong enough to enjoy life without having to depend on anybody else...
Girl gets a new bf.
1 month. "HE'S MY WORLD."
They break up.
"I gave him everything!"
Another new bf.
1 month. "HE MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME."
They break up.
1 week. "I love him more than life itself."
Repeat process 20 times.
Did you ever really love ANY of them, or are you a f*cking IDIOT that has no standards or patience!?
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one,
"There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied.
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man
*He began to worry*
"This your husband?" he asked,
"No silly," she replied,
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked,
"No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear,
"Well who is he then?"
Calmly the girl replied "That's me before the operation..."
”Your son can’t be mine because he’s ginger!” – best Jeremy Kyle title ever!
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school
*Robot slaps Son*
SON: OK, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story
*Robot slaps son again*
SON: OK, it was Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*
MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps mom*
Everybody has characteristic people in their life:
the person that insults you
the person that makes fun of you
the person that laughs at every joke you say
the person that is just stupid
the person that acts younger than they are
the person that you love
the person that is a geek
the person that is a idiot
the person that is a blonde
the person that is a smart blonde
the person who always get hurt
the person that is a dare-devil
the person that is cool
the person that is weird
the person that is psycho
the person that complains
and the person that is a joker
Dear gay men,..
Please stop being so much kinder, funnier, and more attractive than straight men. It's quite depressing.
Sincerely, all single women.
"Dude, don't ruin the movie for me." "Fine" *silence* "They all die in the end." ... "I Hate You."
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden's name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing...
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