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By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass!
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The Good: You Have A Girlfriend
The Bad: She Has A D*ck
The Ugly: It's bigger than yours....
You're 5, and you have a phone? Who are you gonna call? ...........................................................Barney?
As I worked my lips down my wife's arm, kissing every bit of it I said, "Darling, if I had the rest of time with you, I'd spend it kissing every square inch of your body." She smiled and said, "Ah, because you love me so much...?" "No, because that's how long it would take."
When I was a little kid my mommy told me that girls were just boy that got kicked in the balls too hard when they were babies... so then I chased my brother around yelling, "Stop running away!! I just wanna sister!!"
I piss you off because I love you
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
I wanna watch.
You know you're addicted to facebook when...
-You go on like 12 times a day
-You get excited when you have one notification
-You smile when someone likes your status
Disney Character Names Explained
Nemo means 'Lost' in Latin.
Simba means 'Lion' in Swahili
Rafiki means 'Friend' in Swahili
Woody means 'Erect P*nis' in English.
When i was a kid, i hated going to bed. Now i cherish every hour of sleep.
My mums so old fashioned, she thinks LOL means lots of love, one day she sent me a text saying "Grandmas died LOL"
Trying to feel for your phone, and panicking when you can't feel it.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
To whomever wrote:
"10 things a typical teenage girl can"t live without...
1. A Mobile Phone
2. A Laptop or Computer with internet access
4. A Warm Hoodie
6. A Facebook, Msn, or YouTube account
8. Unlimited Texts
9. Hair Straighteners
10. Reality TV
5 things a typical teenage boy can"t live without...
That's unfair. I'm a teenage boy and I'm quite fond of oxygen.
Teachers have always said that red is a primary colour and you can't mix two colours to make it. Well, according to many soccer commentators: yellow + yellow = red.
My Mom left me a note that read "Im going away on the weekend with your father. I've left $50 somewhere in your room for food. If you clean your room you should be able to find it."
Now I've got to decide whether to clean my room or starve over the weekend... I wish she would stop leaving me with decisions to make...
A good friend would go to the drug store to buy you a pregnancy test but a best friend would stand outside the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!"
I don't know what to talk about, but i wanna talk to you.
3 am phone call.."hey are you asleep??" ... "No I'm Skydiving"
boy: I have something I have to say..
boy: I lo-
girl: *Smiles and blushes*
boy: -st the game
*At the mall*
Me: Dad! Can I please buy this?
Dad: Use your own money!
me: But I left it at home!
Dad: Ok, but you gotta pay me back later..
you go with the flow.
Like if this ever happened to you :)
If my woman doesn't make me sandwiches, I won't give her any shopping money. How about that?
I hate when people ask me "What on earth were you thinking!?"
Obviously I was thinking that I would get away with it and not have to f*cking explain it...
Hi, I'm a teenage girl. I'm 5'9, Blonde, Blue-eyed, Australian, flat stomach, never wears make up and plays COD like my life depends on it. Also, I can make a sandwich ;D.
Like if you don't think I'm real.
The teacher puts 2x + 5x2 ÷ -8 + 21a on the board and tells me, "solve the problem"... i get up, and erase the board, problem solved bitch!
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