Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
When I cross a one way road, I still look both ways just in case there are any women driving...
*texting in class*
Teacher: OI YOU! ARE YOU TEXTING IN CLASS AGAIN?!
Student: no..I just randomly look down at my d*ck and start smiling.
If Barbie Is So Popular, then why do you have to buy all of her friends?!
"1 out of every 3 smokers die." Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
**** Is it just me or does everyone do this? ****
When you buy some new underwear, and when it comes to wearing them, you get all excited even though nobody is going to see them...
I'm telling the truth, but then I smile, and then they think I'm lying.
I Think i May Have A "Become a Fan" Problem
Who else flushes the toilet just as they start to pee to see if they can finish before the toilet has finished flushing?
when someone touches your phone and you automaticaly turn into a ninja.
Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. - Muhammad Ali
When i was a kid, i always used to search my parents rooms to find out what i would be getting for christmas. Although, i never did receive a pleasure max 3000...
Today I’m giving you something very special, my heart ..... please be careful how you handle it , not because it’s mine , but because Your inside it
Harry: I can talk to snakes
Ron: Yeah well Dumbledore gave me his magic lighter
Harry: I have an invisibility cloak
Ron: I have parents
Harry: I banged your sister
Ron: ........
I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without
Listen very carefully, this is a very important question................................................
Do you know..... The Muffin man?
What’s the point of getting suspended?
How on earth is that considered the right thing to do?
Teachers must not realise that bad children DON’T LIKE SCHOOL so why give them suspension that’s just adding another good thing to there list.
My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
Dracula once had a one night stand with tinker-bell.
**********************************************************
9 Months later, tinker-bell gave birth to a baby boy.
...and that's how Edward Cullen was born.
When life hands you lemons............ DEMAND Tequila and Salt!!!!!!
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had 1There might be some matches in the top drawer she replied
He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man
he began to worry
this ur husband he asked
No silly she replied
Your boyfriend then he asked
No not at all she said nibbling away at his ear
Well who is he then
Calmly the girl replied Thats me b4 the operation
Ain't it weird how when you go asleep for 8 hours it feels like 2 seconds.
Dont you hate it when you're changing in the locker rooms and some dumb chick has a period stain .... ruines your whole day :(
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who couldn't even get off jury duty...