Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
What I don't understand is why there is a show called "When animals attack". Personally I think it should be renamed to "When stupid people go near dangerous animals"
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."
So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."
"How much?" asked the farmer.
"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasteurized?"
"No...just up to my boobies."
After 34563754564 notifications, I can honestly say I regret liking your status.
Saying 'OOWWWWW' Just before you think it's going to hurt, then feel stupid because it doesn't. :P
People say you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and vulnerable, if you want to toughen up- grow a v*gina, those things can take a pounding
My ex wife got in touch with me this morning. She said, "Do you fancy meeting up tomorrow and giving it another crack?" I said, "Yeah..... I'd love to". I presume she was talking about her jaw.
I hate it when people try to tell ME what I said.
Solving a maze backwards because you think it's quicker...
Read each sentence:This is this cat. This is is cat.This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is a cat. This is retard cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is 40 cat. This is seconds cat. Now read every third word in each sentence :)
Yelling "Run Forrest! Run!" when ever you see someone running.
Today, the class b**tch jokingly asked a slightly overweight girl "So, when are you due?" The b*tch was speechless when the girl replied, "I don't know, ask your boyfriend ;)"
10 things a typical teenage boy can't live without...
1.Call Of Duty
2.Laptop
3.Phone
4.Fancy Clothes
5.Playstation Or XBOX
6.Girls
7.FaceBook Or Youtube
8.Family Guy Or South Park
9.After Shave
10.Bling
I got pulled over the other day by the police.
The Cop asked: Is there any marijuana in the vehicle?
Apparently, "How much do you need?" was not the appropriate answer...
I'll just sleep 5 more minutes...7:05...7:10...7:15....8:30?!?!?!? CRAP!
Who else does this?
When you're crunchy food and you wonder whether other people can hear you.... so you try to chew as slowly and as quietly as you can...
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day that they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so i came home early to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment bu i couldn't find the other man anywhere. So i went out to the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, but he landed in some bushes. So, i went back inside and got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which i died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into heaven. He then asked the next man in the line about the day he died.
"Well sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab on to the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac with a hammer came out and started pounding on my fingers. Luckily i landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died" he said the the third man in the line.
"Well, picture this, i'm naked hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Patrick-"How much?"
Mr. Krabs- "$5.00"
Patrick- "All I have is $7.00"
Mr. Krabs- "MMMMMMMMMMMMMM, ok!"
Patrick- "Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper!"
Listen very carefully, this is a very important question................................................
Do you know..... The Muffin man?
I am very suspicious about people who go jogging. It's funny, they are the ones who always seem to "Find" the bodies. I got my eye on you!
The awkward moment when your late for class, then when you walk in, everyone just stares at you... like you killed someone...
I'm not sad that Osama Bin Laden is dead, I'm just sad to see so many people hatefully celebrating it, saying 'go to hell, do not RIP'. No one should be happy for the taking of someone's life, no matter how terrible or murderous they are. Death should never be celebrated, no exceptions. Never.
LMAO Joke... :P
********I Always Do This!********
When you get into an elevator and look at the maximum capacity and start mentally calculating everyones weight...
So I asked my friend what his craziest s*x position was and he replied "Well, It takes a man to swim through the river when it's flowing red, but it takes a hero to drink from it"
Most disgusting thing I have ever heard.
Q) What is the Defferance between a blonde and an ironing board?
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A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open