Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head.
no matter how carefully you choose your words, they'll always end up getting twisted by others.
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and vulnerable, if you want to toughen up- grow a v*gina, those things can take a pounding
"Haha You Failed", "Yeah Like Your Mums Abortion."
Fun idea: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
"Shaggy, you Scoob and Velma go downstairs and check the basement; Daphne and I'll go upstairs and check the bedroom..."
Freddy, you magnificent b*stard...
my friends♥;
friend;; *eating doritos* stupid dorito!
me;; are you talkin to your doritos?
friend;; yeah i name them before i eat them
me;; wow...this is why i love you.
*few minutes of silence*
friend;; *whispers* goodbye bill.
The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone
DA SADST STRY EVUR!!!
girl: do u luv mi??? iv u dnt i gun dy
Boy: I can't understand you, what are you trying to say?.
girl: omg y yuu nar luv mi?!?! mi bcum ded
Boy: I don't even...
girl: :(( (dyez)
Boy: ...The f*ck?
There’s always some truth behind every "Just kidding".
There's always some knowledge behind every "I don’t know".
There's always some emotion behind every "I don’t care".
There's always some pain behind every "I'm okay’.”
Who needs School when you have got JUSTIN BIEBER;
English – His amazing accent
Maths – Common Denominator
Science – He’s Doctor Bieber
Religious Studies – Pray
PE – Ice hockey, Base Ball, Basketball and Dance
Geography – World Tour
Drama – CSI and SNL
Music – 3 Albums!
Languages – He speaks English, French and a bit of German
Film Studies – Never Say Never 3D
Love Beliebers xx
*Phone Rings*
Shorty: Yo..
Scream: Hello Shorty, What are you doin'
Shorty: Nuttin.. Sitting here watchin' the game, Smoking sum bud
Scream: Are you all alone
*Background noise* WAAAASSSSSSSSUPPPP!!!!
Shorty: WAAAASSSSUUUPPPPP!!
Everyone: WWWWWAAAAASSSSSSSSSUUUPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep....not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
The awkward moment when you can't read your own handwriting... and you're like "WTF did I just write?!....
When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, a knife, a gun and a lightsaber..
I go to party's, so I'm an alcoholic.
Some of my shirts are cleavagy, so I'm a slut.
I wear make-up and straighten my hair, so I'm fake.
I sometimes make innapropriate jokes, so I'm trashy.
I'm still buddies with some of my girl friends exes, so I'm a backstabber.
I cry, so I'm emotional.
I speak my mind, so I'm a bitch.
I wear some clothes that are out of style, and sometimes just throw my hair in a ponytail, so I'm ugly.
So I guess I should be a nun.
No wait, then I'd be boring.
I don't understand why people cheat. If you're not happy, just leave.
Like if you have done any of these...
-walked on water
-kissed the queen
-saved the world
-time travelled
-had a shower.
People who keep hating on Justin Bieber!! Y'all need to stop it because i for one know that he has a 10" d*ck.
It's up his a$$ and it belongs to usher...
Only I can fight with my sibling, you lay a finger on him/her and you die!
Dear Girls of the Internet...
Making that "I've just eaten a lemon face" while taking a photo, is UNATTRACTIVE!
Sincerely Boys of the Internet.
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm?*****
If a man gets morning wood, does that mean women get morning dew?
Mom: Clean your room!
You: Fine (shoves every thing under the bed)
You: Mom rooms clean.
Mom: Good job now clean every thing under your bed.
You:...
Dear phone,
I drop you. i say i hate you. i throw you. i lose you. i forget about you, but i couldn't live without you.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'like' my status? Of course I like my status, I'm hilarious. And sexy.