Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Not knowing if the bath is freezing or boiling, but getting in anyway cause you’re a fearless b*stard.
I'm not sad that Osama Bin Laden is dead, I'm just sad to see so many people hatefully celebrating it, saying 'go to hell, do not RIP'. No one should be happy for the taking of someone's life, no matter how terrible or murderous they are. Death should never be celebrated, no exceptions. Never.
LMAO Joke... :P
The creator of 'Pokemon', Satoshi Tajiri who was 45 years old, died in Japan today. Thank's for my childhood Satoshi.
Dear Internet,
Please stop with the talking adverts that start on their own. When I have my headphones on, it sounds like there are voices in my head.
Sincerely,
I just had a heart attack...
When are people going to realise that If I have my iPod in,
1. I cant hear a word you are saying.
2. And if I have my iPod on around you, then it means I don't want to talk to you...
If a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..."
Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."
Hi Im school. I make you work 6 hours a day, 5 days a week. Don't get to excited about the weekend, cause I might just throw in some homework while Im at it. I take up most of your childhood and sometimes I'll give you pointless lessons to learn about things you'll never need in your life. Also Im going to give you crappy teachers who hate you, cause Im to school for cool :)
Rebecca Black wrote the worst song ever. SHE DIDNT EVEN REALIZE???? then she cries like a baby saying *i thought it was good!!!!* seriously! she needs an ear, voice and whole body operation so that she can look at least dateable
A bus full of ugly people met an accident, all of them died. Before entering heaven, they have given one wish, the first said: "make me beautiful" and it happened. The rest followed the same wish, when it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him: why are you laughing? what is your wish? The last person answered: make them all ugly again!!
I was thinking to myself how people like to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then in dawned on me, they must be cramming for finals.
Teacher: Jamie what is the answer to question 2 ?
Jamie: Umm
Kid behind him (whispers): 56
Jamie: 56
Teacher: (suprised) well done thats right
Jamie: thanks
Teacher: could you explain how you worked it out to the class please.
Jamie: Umm.................................................................................
Like If This Has Ever Happened To You :L
I'm the type of person who laughs at a joke 3 times, once when its told, again when it's explained, and a third time 5 minutes later when i finally get it :P
Sick of being told to get back in the kitchen by your bf cause its your job? Well girls quit your job and invest in a d*ldo, guaranteed to finish the job he cant and do it right everytime ;)
When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, a knife, a gun and a lightsaber..
"Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above and that is because you are the best thing that ever happened to me :)
A man and his son were talking about s*x.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a p*ssy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after s*x?"
"Ummmm, before s*x", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after s*x?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don't make her fall, if you don't plan to catch her.
Me: whatcha doing
Friend: YA MOM!
Me: Well guess what, JOKES ON YOU! my mom has aids!
*BF&GF*
BF:Do you want to?
GF:Idk, im kinda nurvous
BF:Dont be
GF:But it will be my first time..
BF:Ik, im happy I can be your first
GF:Ok, but im going to be screaming and holding onto you the whole time
BF:The rollercoaster isnt that scary babe
If bars don't serve drunk people, then McDonald's shouldn't serve fat people...
A man and a woman started to have s3x in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Who else rubs their shoe against the long brush on the escalator, thinking that it'll clean it?
I had s*x with my girlfriend last night. It was going pretty good, except the entire time she was screaming someone elses name... Anyone know who rape is?
Dear Asses,
You hate me when i'm cold, you think it's disgusting if i'm warm...
What the hell do you want from me?
Sincerley
Toilet Seat...
Feelings don't die. We all keep them alive by feeding them memories. That's the exact reason why it is so hard to move on from a loved one...