Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I'm so good at cooking even the fire alarm cheers me on.
I hate when I hear a song I really like, but I don't know the name of it -_______-
I dont have the best body,
The prettiest eyes,
The softest, most perfect hair,
Amazing skin,
Big boobs,
or even a picture perfect smile.
But that doesnt mean Im not good enough.
**** Before everyone had a phone ****
Friend: Hey what's the time?
You: Time you got a watch!
I got thrown off the golf course the other day for using the ball washer.
They really should call it a GOLF ball washer...
I hate when people call me with a hidden number... Next time I get one I'm going to answer "Hi Spencer's Sperm Bank, you jack it, we pack it. How may I help you...
My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don’t exist. She doesn’t care. Operation’s next Tuesday.
I can never finish cleaning my room because of all the cool stuff I find....
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
I take you to be my lawful wedded text buddy. To have and harass. In rich quotes and nasty jokes, 'til dead battery do us part...
**** Who else does this ****
When you're in bed and you can't sleep so you just lay there making mental movies of perfect scenario's in life...
Seeing a status that is blatantly aimed at you and liking it
Policewoman: You are under arrest. Anything that you say can and will be held against you.
driver: BOOBS!
"Does this skirt make me look fat?" "No, your fat makes you look fat."
Like this if you don't smoke (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~
Scrolling Down You're Facebook Feed:
Don't care...Whore...Your life sucks...Song lyrics...Inside Joke?...Needs a therapist...
The awkward moment when you're at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at so you just stand their and pet the dog.
Why do men fart more then women?
******************************************
Because women never shut up long enough to build the required pressure...
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing!
Like this if you're that girl that eats like a pig and is still underweight (:
Stop looking at me like that.. Its making me want to kiss you! :)
I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up
A man and his son were talking about s*x.
The son asked his father, "dad, what does a p*ssy look like?"
The dad asked him, "before or after s*x?"
"Ummmm, before s*x", the kid replied.
The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah" said the son.
"Well, what about after s*x?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
Lazy Rule #57:
"ksdsnjdc" is a perfectly acceptable name when saving a file on your computer.
Getting in bed, and texting the person you wish was there with you :)