Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Can you believe that I spent 15 minutes last night looking for my phone in my car while using my phone as a torch. Yeah, I was THAT high...
Like if you do it... You're taking a shower and suddenly your mom shouts:"Hurry up!!" You say:"I'm coming in a minute!!". But actually you come out 20+ minutes later. :D
Girl (12 years old): "Mom billy showed me his p*nis today..."
*Mom freaks out*
Girl: "It reminded me of peanuts..."
Mom: "Why was it small?"
Girl: "No, it was salty..."
*Mom faints*
Dear phone,
I drop you. i say i hate you. i throw you. i lose you. i forget about you, but i couldn't live without you.
I miss you. We've had a lot of rough times in the past, but I'll always love you. No one can change that.
If he can't handle you in sweat pants, then he doesn't deserve you with a wedding dress on - Drake
Maximum Respect for the British Armed Forces supporting the RBL
Eyeing your toys suspiciously after watching Toy Story.
The awkward moment when you watch the same cartoons when your older and you notice all the perverted things in them... No wonder i'm like this....
What does the Mafia and going down on a girl have in common?
*************************************************************************
One slip of the tongue and your in deep sh*t...
The awkward moment when you open a birthday card in front of the person who gave it you. Then you realise that there is no money in it so you read it with a lost smile and a little hate inside because you gave them $20 for their birthday...
Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you
There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!
Telling your Facebook friend that they are beautiful and they'll say "no way you are much more beautiful than me" and then you say "no way your more beautiful than me" but your really thinking... Yes ok I am.
Guy: "Wow that girl is hot with a great voice!" Girl: "That's Justin Bieber..." Guy: "Never speak of this moment."
I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, my mother always told me to give my toys to the less fortunate.
2 friends married at the same time. The 1st man told his wife she was to cook and clean. Next day his house was clean and dinner on the table. The 2nd man married an Irish girl. He ordered her to do the same. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything either but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has difficulty urinating.
Saying "Aren't you like 12?" to anybody under the age of 17.
Mom: Pass me....... ( 10 seconds later )
Me:Pass you what?
Mom: Pass me.... The Uhm....
Me: The....
Mom: You know, that thing...
Me: OMG ! ( leaves the room )
*Like this if your mom does this to you.
14th Febuary:
Girl: Happy Valentines Day!
Boy: Um... yeah :)
-Girl passes him a big box of chocolates-
-Boy passes her a tiny box, to which she looks dissapointed-
Boy: Now, before you open this, I want you to know something... I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore...
Girl: (Shocked) -Opens box- *Gasp*
Boy: Because I want to be your husband.
Like if you know what's in the box
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having sex, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having sex with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it!"
That "F*CK YOU, YOU MOTHER F*CKING PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F*CKING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe...
Raising your hand in class and saying something funny that has nothing to do with what you were talking about,everyone laughs at your joke, and then 5 min later some unpopular kid steals your joke trying to be funny.
Weekends that you actually have something to do.
Sometimes you make me so angry that I feel like throwing you into a load of oncoming cars. But then I realise I would probably kill myself trying to save you afterwards...