Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Excuse me Bruno Mars, I know you are being lazy and all but get your own mob of Monkeys instead of taking mine. Ok, thanks.
*** Standing in line at supermarket with mom ***
Mom: Stay here, i'm just going to get something...
What You Say: Ok, hurry up
What You Mean: *Oh sh*t, hurry up, what if they want me to pay, I ain't got no money, I'll look like a tramp....*
Boy: ''Would you wear shoes if you had no legs?''
Girl: ''Um.. no..''
Boy: ''Then why do you wear a bra?''
Girl: ...
Yeah, that sounded a lot better in my head.
"I g2g, bye!"
"No don't go, i want to talk to you, im in love with you, be mine?"
*Goes to Erase but presses Send instead.*
SH*T.
Today, I decided that I want to be a ninja when I grow up. I Googled "Ninja School" to see where I can be professionally trained in the art. I followed a link that said Ninja School, and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School!
"And i was like f*ck you.'" "Did you say that!?" "Nah, but i thought it.."
So...
A neutron walks into a bar.
The neutron ask the bartender:
"How much do you charge for a beer?"
The bartender looks up and down on him, and says:
"For you, no charge."
Physics joke haha. :D
People always say "More Money More Problems..." but without money you have bigger problems...
The only way to accept an insult is to ignore it.
If you can't ignore it, top it.
If you can't top is, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh and it, you probably deserved it.
The embarrassment when you walk out of the house and have to go back in to change, because you realise that you're just too sexy for your shirt!! :/
I hate how when you lose something and I spend hours looking for it and I don't find it. Then my mom looks and it magically appears after 2 minutes of looking..
Trying to feel for your phone, and panicking when you can't feel it.
Going to watch the new Harry Potter Movie wearing a white cape with a white beard because you're a fearless bastard!
When a sad song come's on in the car , and you look out the window, with the window open, pretending your in a movie.
**** Fact #146 ****
More money is spent on fake b00bs and viagra than treatment for alzeimers!
By 2024 the elderly are going to have big perky b00bs and rock hard c0cks and they won't even remember why...
Girls want a lot of things from one guy... conversely...
guys want a one thing from a lot of girls...
When a girl hacks a Facebook account: OMG Amy! You have been hacked By Megan! Love Ya
When a boy hacks a Facebook account: Im gay!
When someone says you have changed... It is because you stopped living your life their way.
I woke up this morning, looked down and saw that one of my toes were missing. There was a note stuck to my foot that read "Gone to Market"
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing.
I accused my brother of being gay yesterday...
He was so angry he hit me with his purse.
A woman comes home to find her husband using a hair dryer on his p*nis.
She Ask:l What on earth are you doing?
He Replies: Heating up your dinner darling...
The awkward moment when you've been talking to someone for ages, and you think they're really smart and logical, and then you find out they're religious.
The awkward moment when someone says something twice, and on both occasions you say "What?" so when they repeat themselves for the third time, you just smile and nod...