Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Sorry but im sexually attracted to you and when I touch you and feel you, I just want to rip all of your clothes off... I hope you dont mind ;)
*********** I used to do this **************
Pretending to think hard when the teacher is looking at you...
Dear Eminem,
Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too.
Sincerely, M&Ms!
I signed up to a gym the other day and I got a free session with a personal trainer.
Me: "I want a to be able to impress all the girls, tell what machines to go on..."
Personal Trainer: "Haha you don't need the gym for that, there's an ATM over there, just use that...
Heard Your Dating My Ex. How Do I Taste ?
If all girls started wearing no make up and comfortable clothes
guys would have no choice but to fall for girls because of natural beauty
and search for our personalities instead of just focusing on how hot we usually try to look.
If only it was that easy ♥
I go to party's, so I'm an alcoholic.
Some of my shirts are cleavagy, so I'm a slut.
I wear make-up and straighten my hair, so I'm fake.
I sometimes make innapropriate jokes, so I'm trashy.
I'm still buddies with some of my girl friends exes, so I'm a backstabber.
I cry, so I'm emotional.
I speak my mind, so I'm a bitch.
I wear some clothes that are out of style, and sometimes just throw my hair in a ponytail, so I'm ugly.
So I guess I should be a nun.
No wait, then I'd be boring.
We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us.
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
My dog is the best. If anyone was stupid enough to break into my house, then my dog would protect me...
Unless that person had a vacuum, then I would die...
I wish friends were like money; so you could hold them up to the light to find out which ones were real and which ones are fake.
Hello Justin Bieber. I want to play a game. Throughout the years you have soiled the meaning of good music. There will be consequences. The device attached to your abdomen will trigger in 75 seconds, sending a metal bar up your ass. Your chances at surviving is the key located in your ashophogus, inside your lungs, the very lungs that have soiled the ears of the innocent. How much blood will you sacrifice to continue your life? The choice is yours. Let the game begin
When I get a text from you, I immediately stop whatever im doing to read it
Bring Back BNBN's!!!
monday- KILL ME NOW!
tuesday- hurry up friday!
wednesday- only two more days
thursday-Almost There!!
friday-YAY! stayin up tonight!
saturday- sleep all day
sunday- make the most out of the day because tomorrow is monday -_-
I'm p*ssed man. Just had 5000 business card printed and they Read "John Brown, Therapist." Stupid idiots forgot to put a space in my profession.
*boy at gym doing situps
62....63....64....65...66....
*hot girl walks by*
69.....69...69.....69.....
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming,
I ♥ THE WEEKEND
Depressed? Earphones in.. Volume up, ignore the world.
Drunk people trying to convince you they are sober.
Brunette: When I grow up I wanna go to MARS!
Normal: I WANNA STAY ON EARTH WHEN I GROW UP
Blondie: I WANNA GO TO THE SUN WHEN I GROW UP!
Brunette and Normal: BUT U'LL BURN!
Blondie: DONT BE STUPID IM GOING AT NIGHT
Dear Tounge,
Can't touch this!
Sincerely,
Elbow
Rappers get money, from rapping about how they get money from rapping, by rapping about it...
YES, Facebook, I already CHECKED that notification, now can you please get rid of that little red number?!?!