Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
TO NON-PET OWNERS who visit our homes. Don't complain about our pets. (1) They live here, you don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'Fur'-niture. (3) Chances are, I love my pets more than I like you. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are family who are hairy, walk on all fours & don't talk back.
I hope one day you choke on the shit that you talk.
When I go out with my friends, I like to be the designated driver. I don't mind them getting ridiculously drunk and having a good time. When it's time to go, that's when my fun begins. I like to drop them off at the wrong houses just to confuse them.
Who knew Eminem before 'I'm Not Afraid' and 'Love The Way You Lie'?
Dear Eminem,
Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too.
Sincerely, M&Ms.
People always say "More Money More Problems..." but without money you have bigger problems...
Dear Heart,
Please stop getting involved in everything, your job is to pump blood... That's it!
Sincerely
Every Boy and Girl In Love...
Ha, I've just got an email off some guy in Africa. Apparently my great uncle in law who i never knew i had died and left me £2000000. All I've got to do to get it is send this guy £5000, as well as my name, address, and all my bank details, so he can sort it all out.
I'll be seeing you suckers later....
I get paranoid when cars slow down near me, when I'm walking.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I am right.
LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel
Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed and they ask, "Are You Sleeping?"
Smart Answer: "No! I'm training to die..."
Dear Asses,
You hate me when i'm cold, you think it's disgusting if i'm warm...
What the hell do you want from me?
Sincerley
Toilet Seat...
Sometimes you gotta take five steps back to move 5 steps to the future
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second person because if you truly loved the first person, you wouldn't of fell in love with the second person...
Celebrity Quote # 76: Don't date the most beautiful person girl in the world. Date the girl that makes your world the most beautiful - Wiz Khalifa
How cool would it be if each country had facebook?
Japan wrote on Chinas' wall....
America poked Afganistan...
England has 0 friends.....'
Staying online until the person you like goes to sleep
My teacher told the class to draw a picture of any season. I done winter...... some others did winter and drew snow, snowmen, hats, scarfs. I drew snow, and gave it into my teacher when i was done. and she said ''you haven't drew anything!'' I said ''yes i have. it's a pile of snow(;........''
If you pretend that you have a salt shaker in your hand and shake salt into your mouth, you can actually taste salt!....Like if u tried it :D
Is it JUST me that whenever im READING something and there are RANDOM capitalised WORDS you put them together and try to uncover a secret code...
facebook:..
-Log on
-Check notifications
-Poke everyone back
-Go on homepage
-Do the "happy birthday" ritual
-Go back to homepage
-Change from "Top news" to "Most recent"
-Have a little scroll down
-Like a couple of pages
-You're bored already...
Life is like a Roller-coaster, it has it's ups and downs, but remember the downs don't last as long as the ups.
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing!