It was my favourite game when I was younger, but i could never understand one thing about it...
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I've got a dilemma, I haven't washed up for weeks, so....
Do I now wash the dishes...?
Or
Do I attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup.... with a knife...?
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s3x all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
That Awkward moment when your sitting in a toilet cubical minding your own business and BAM! a unicorn bursts in and trys to sell you weed.
I'll just sleep 5 more minutes...7:05...7:10...7:15....8:30?!?!?!? CRAP!
When i was a kid, i always used to search my parents rooms to find out what i would be getting for christmas. Although, i never did receive a pleasure max 3000...
I don't care if you're short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, poor, straight, gay, lesbian, black or white...
If you're nice to me, then i'll be nice to you.
Simple. As. That.
*new message* oh it's you. f*ck off.
My bed seems more comfy in the morning than at night
i CaNt BeLiVe YoU'Re ACtuAlLy ReADiNg tHiS... By tHe wAY im UsiNg CAps LOcK on RaNDoM LEtTErS jUSt to P*Ss yOU OfF!
Apparently everyone has a twin in the world, yours is over there on a lead.
I don't know what to talk about, but i wanna talk to you.
Sometimes I get carried away when I make people cups of tea. When It comes to serving them it's usually gone cold. What? I can't help it if I get fascinated by the mini whirlpool that I create when i'm stirring it...
Take me as I am, or watch me as I go.
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
DA SADEST STORI EVA :'( xxx
boi taks gurl to maccy d'z 4 a treet:
gurl: u wan mah gurkhin? i dn laike ghurkinz.
boi: wat?!?!! i tke u out 4 a nice meel n u dn appreciat it!!!11
gurl: i din say dat!?!1
boi: (diez)
gurl: dnt leev meh! (diez)
sum polish ladi wit a beerd: (diez)
OMG LIKE IF U CRYD :'( :'(
I don't know about you but, I'm pretty sure that there is one really, really small spot on my back that has never, ever been washed.... Ever
Ypur REAL smart obama.....killing a freakin terrorist with a lot of terrorist friends. Now the terrorist friends want REVENGE on the freakin country. SUPER SMART THINKING OBAMA!
When you check the refrigerator one minute and find nothing to eat, then you goe back 5 minutes later as if something is magically going to appear.
10 signs that you know your falling in love
1. You get jelouse when he talks to other girls
2. Cant stop thinking about him
3. You smile every time your around him
4. You never wanna stop talking to him
5. You always wanna be around him
6. You get butterflys whenever you talk to him.
7. You never want to leave him
8. Alwys talk to your friends about him
9. You fantisise about hm
10. This whole time youve been thinkng about 1 certain person :)
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Anyone else wonder why Spongebob is the only sponge, Squidward is the only squid, Patrick is the only star fish, Mr Krabs is the only crab and Sandy's the only squirrel in Bikini Bottom and why the rest are just fish?
Don't you hate it when you're just sitting down getting all comfy and then BOOM!!! A rainbow ninja unicorn decides to attack the living freak out of you!
The kid next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked him under the stairs.
This is the 20th time I've had to pause my music. PLEASE stop talking.