**** I hate when this happens *****
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I really hope Kate Middleton's face get's put on Coins and Notes of money, then I can finally start an official W*nk Bank.
Mates pretending to be bf/gf's when weirdo's hit on you
God made coke.
God made pepsi.
God made me.
Oh so sexy.
God made rivers.
God made lakes.
God made you.
Well.. we all make mistakes.
Best way to get a teacher to let you go to toilet
You: May I go to the bathroom please?
Teacher: NO! Not till the end of the lesson
You: But sir... It's coming out!
Teacher:... Go then
Teacher: is this made by humans or nature?
me: it's man-made.
teacher: no! never say 'man-made!" women make things too...
me: like, sandwiches?
Some guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so i gave him a cup of water...
Girls Comes in the Class room,
Teacher:Emily, Why on earth are you this late to school?
Emily, I was blowing bubbles sir,
Teacher: Fine then go and sit down
Another girl come into the classroom
Teacher:Trisha, Why on earth are you this late to school?
Trisha: Bubbles was inside me sir,
Teacher: Ok then go and sit down
New boy comes in
Teacher: AND I SUPPOSE YOU WERE BLOWING BUBBLES OR SOMTHING LIKE THAT...?
New boy: No sir, I am bubbles
Teacher: Oh....
A good friend would buy you a pregnancy test and support you as best they can. A best friend would buy you a pregnancy test and wait outside of the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!!!!!"
When you log on to facebook and see 89 notifications, and 6 messages you know you've said something you shouldn't have.
When a sad song come's on in the car , and you look out the window, with the window open, pretending your in a movie.
when you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat
Everybody thinks that a girls dream is to find the perfect guy....... pppfffftttt yeah right, our dream is to eat without getting fat.
Did you know that girls are like cond*ms?
....................They spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck...
To all girls :You may think you are unpopular,You may WANT to be normal,you may want to be skinny,or fatter.You don't want to have mood changes or periods.You may think doing drugs, having sex and smoking is "cool".But underneath all that you just want to be perfect.Everyone does. But guess what... You ARE perfect! Just the way YOU are.So be unpopular, be unique! Don't do drugs, or smoke or drink. Be who YOU are because if your friends don't appreciate you for that,your friends aren't really your friends.
boys say gettin kicked in the balls hurts more, but we get period pains whether we like it or not, they only get it when they are being d*cks, so its all their fault;)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Parents: "How was school today?" You: "Good." Parents: "You always say good. How come you never give me a different answer?" You: "How come you never ask me a different question?"
If a girl leans towards you, headbut her.
If a girls hand is free, get her to hold your bag.
If your girl logs off, demand the bitch texts you.
And if shes upset, tell her to grow a set of balls.
********I Always Do This!********
When you get into an elevator and look at the maximum capacity and start mentally calculating everyones weight...
Making crazy scenarios in your head that will most likely not happen
I am NOT waking up until my alarm goes off, even if there is 1 min left!
Girls are like apples. The best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them,when,in reality,they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree
Boy: imma go to sleep.
Girl: ok
Boy: i love you
Girl: i love you too bye
*hangs up*
...Girl sends text to boy saying "i dont want you to go"
Girl's phone rings
Girl: hello?
Boy: i decided you were more important than sleep :)
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up
The other night me and my girlfriend had an argument just before bed. She called me childish and said I have to sleep on the couch.
But the jokes on her, because I built a fort out of the cushions on the couch and i hung a "Girls Not Allowed" sign up.