**** Nerd's Phone Rings In Class ****
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I smoke a couple hundred a day,
I waste all my pocket money on 'em,
They're fucking addictive,
I will never quit because...
I LOVE SPIDER-MAN CANDY STICKS!
*Little Johny's friend knocks on his door*
*Little Johny answers*
Little Johny's Friend: "Can you come out to play?"
Little Johny: "No I can't because I'm grounded..."
Little Johny's friend: "How come?"
Little Johny: "Beacause my Mom called me a son of a bitch this morning, so I said, Yup... You got that right."
Showers aren't just for cleaning, and some people don't go in just for cleaning.... It's for...
A place thinking about life...
A place when your depressed...
A place to sing without getting embarrassed...
A place for alone time...
A place to get warmth...
Showers are amazing.
Scientifically it has been proven that too many birthdays can kill you...
Hey Pr*ck, Your name sounds like you work for the Taliban...
Grandma, he's the president!
Reasons to have a guy best friend:
Guys don't start rumors for no apparent reason
They won't tell anyone your secrets
They don't pms and randomly act super rude
They don't try to steal the guy you like
They aren't two faced
They stick up for you no matter what
They'll give you their sweatshirt when your cold
They'll carry you when you get hurt
And they might even fall in love with you
We use "lol" when...
1) What you said was kinda funny
2) It gets awkward
3) We want to end a sentence
4) We randomly want in the middle of our sentences because we're so used to writing it
Let's agree, we overuse "lol"
Hey did you know that when I text you, it means I miss you. But when I don't text you, it means i'm waiting for you to miss me...
So I asked my friend what his craziest s*x position was and he replied "Well, It takes a man to swim through the river when it's flowing red, but it takes a hero to drink from it"
Most disgusting thing I have ever heard.
*********I Hate When This Happens*********
When you walk into a room and....
BAM! You forget why you went in there...
Fun idea: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
"Not everything on the internet is true..."
Wait, so you mean there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?
8 of the worst pains in the world:
1) knocking your elbow or knee against a table or chair real hard.
2) burning your tongue on a hot drink.
3) stepping on a sharp rock or prickle.
4) paper cuts.
5) stubbing your toe
6) biting you tongue!
7) getting kicked in the balls.. or childbirth...
8) listening to 'Friday' by Rebecca Black....
When I see a typo I look at the keyboard to see if the two keys were close
This is a big thanks to all our military personnel, here's to the fallen soldiers who gave up everything for our freedom...
boy: i bet you 5 buck i can make your boobs jiggle without using my hands.
girl: ok then
boy: (grabs a hold of her boobs n starts jiggling them) oh well heres your 5 bucks
LIKE THIS IF YOU TRY TO BALANCE THE LIGHT SWITCH!:P
I wonder if Buzz and Woody have ever met Andy's mom's toys... I mean after all they have the same names...
"Hey" ... 2 hours later ... "Hey" ... No it's too late i dont wanna talk to you now.
My girlfriend said she's leaving me because she said she is fed up of me acting black....
Bitch Be Trippin'
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up
boyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND, everything has an end, except for family.
Whenever Ash from Pokemon turns his hat backwards, that's when you know sh*t is about to get serious...
I girlfriend keeps saying I'm like a child because it keep pickig the crusts off, but I'm not having it...........
I keep telling her to go to the Gynaecologist..........
Going to watch the new Harry Potter Movie wearing a white cape with a white beard because you're a fearless bastard!