I do what I want, where I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, where ever I want.......
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
When you are texting in class and the door opens and you have that little heart attack hoping that it is not a teacher or principle.
I'm not sad that Osama Bin Laden is dead, I'm just sad to see so many people hatefully celebrating it, saying 'go to hell, do not RIP'. No one should be happy for the taking of someone's life, no matter how terrible or murderous they are. Death should never be celebrated, no exceptions. Never.
LMAO Joke... :P
Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'like' my status? Of course I like my status, I'm hilarious. And sexy.
Girl at 5:00AM
Take shower
Get Dressed
Do hair
Put on makeup
And now it's 7:30 and time for school.
Guy at 7:00AM
HOLY CRAP!
Throws on clothes
combs half of hair
runs outside without backpack.
"Dude, she called you a chav..." "OH HELL NO - hold my ciggarette, hoop earings, pink trackie bottoms and my tesco value trainers"
Admit it. ..................................... At some point in time you've tried to see if you had superpowers.
Only I can fight with my sibling, you lay a finger on him/her and you die!
You: *Takes a book and smacks friend on the face*....
Friend: What the hell was that for?
You: I facebooked you..
Go and get your own boyfriend and stop Stalking MINE !!!!
Dear Genitals,
Thank you for not showing the world how horny we are.
Sincerely,
The Women.
Every girl has three guys in her life: the one she loves, the one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, they're all the same guy.
Oh you're dating my ex? Cool. Im eating a sandwhich.... You want those leftovers too?
Boy: imma go to sleep.
Girl: ok
Boy: i love you
Girl: i love you too bye
*hangs up*
...Girl sends text to boy saying "i dont want you to go"
Girl's phone rings
Girl: hello?
Boy: i decided you were more important than sleep :)
'you asleep?' .. ''yes''
Not knowing if the bath is freezing or boiling, but getting in anyway cause you’re a fearless b*stard.
When everything in your life goes wrong, there's always that one person to put a smile on your face
The awkward moment when your getting changed for swimming in PE and you knock someone out with your d*ck.
The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone
I think the most important thing in a relationship is trust. Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do know she's not going to tell your wife?
Whenever someone asks me to recommend a movie, I all of a sudden forget every good movie ever made...
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
You see a Kid abusing a puppy with a baseball bat.
97% would yell “STOP!!!”
2% would Cheer
1% would take the baseball bat and beat the kid upside the head with it and take the puppy to the vet.
I want to create a search engine called "Tap" so when people want to search something they will say "Hold on, let me tap that"
Knowing you are going to be in trouble, so you think of what you can say.
Dear Spongebob,
You live in the bottom of a bikini, Your boss is Mr Krabs and you're absorbent.
So we have come to the conclusion that you must be a tampon.
Sincerely,
Squidward.