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My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Texting the person next to you stuff you cant say out loud
My fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer.
The shampoo brand 'Head & Shoulders' should make a shower gel called 'Knees & Toes' and a face wash called 'Eyes, Ears, Mouth & Nose'... who's agrees?
I really feel sorry for that person who writes the terms and conditions...
When you're in class and you purposely break the tip of your pencil just so you can walk past your friend, to get to the bin and for those few moments while you're not doing any work, you feel more superior...
**** This is me all over ******
Music on shuffle, next, next, next, er no, next, nope, next, next, blah, next, next, YES!
You post a status from a song. You get 15 likes. 5 of the people who liked it like the song, 2 of them like the singer, 3 of them like the title of the song, 5 of them want to f*ck you.
Can I pretty please keep you forever? :')
A skinny guy with a six pack is like a fat girl with big boobs...
IT DOESN'T COUNT!!
Does My American Flag Offened You?
If So Call 1-800-LEAVE-THE-USA
I hate it when your childhood superhero stories like Thor and etc. becomes a movie, and ever since then, when you google ' Thor ' , it gives you results related to the movie.
No Mom, it doesn't matter whether go to bed at 10pm or 2am. When I wake up tomorrow at 6am, I am still going to be tired...
When my little brother doesn't stop crying, I show him the video of him being born in REVERSE and say "That's what happens to little kids if they don't stop crying!"
Does anyone else wake up during the middle of the night thirsty as hell, so you go down stairs for a glass of water and it tastes so good that it's like it has come from God's personal garden river?
Some of you may know Shia LaBeouf as the guy from the Transformers trilogy, but us awesome 90's kids remeber him from Even Stevens, The Evens Stevens Film and The Film Holes.
Men have two emotions, hungry and h*rny. If he doesn't have an erecti*n, go make him a sandwich...
complete the sentence: i like ______ because once you ______ and then _______ and put the ________ in the _________ you get __________ and then you eat _______. :-)
The awkwardness when you still can't understand someone after they've repeated themselves about 4 times.
**** I Hate When This Happens #58 ****
When you burp and a little bit a sick comes up and there's too many people around to spit it out... so you just swallow it...
Listen very carefully, this is a very important question................................................
Do you know... The Muffin man?
That awkward moment;
When you're in the car, and you look at the people in the
car next to you, and they're already looking at you.
1,000,000's of sperm and you were the fastest?
I failed my politics exam the other day because of one question...
The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world?"
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer...
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about s*x.
The Italian says, "When i have a finished making love ah to my woman, she levitates six inches fromma de bed."
The Frenchman says, "Mon ami! After 6 hours of the continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!"
The Australian says: "Streuth mate, when I've finished 'rooting' me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me c*ck on the curtains...and she goes through the fucking roof!!"
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