Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Smart Idea #55:
The week that a girl is on her period should be referred to as "Blow Job Week"
It takes 134 minutes active s*x to burn all the calories from a bag of crisps. I just ate five bags, what are you doing tonight?!
Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'like' my status? Of course I like my status, I'm hilarious. And sexy.
I was thinking to myself how people like to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then in dawned on me, they must be cramming for finals.
A bus full of ugly people met an accident, all of them died. Before entering heaven, they have given one wish, the first said: "make me beautiful" and it happened. The rest followed the same wish, when it came to the last person he was laughing. The voice asked him: why are you laughing? what is your wish? The last person answered: make them all ugly again!!
Dear Internet Users,
One day, you will all regret not reading me...
Sincerely,
Terms & Conditions.
Want to make money using Facebook?
*********************************************
Go to Account > Account Settings> Deactivate Account.... And get back to work!
Coughing in front of smokers to make them feel guilty
My girlfriend phoned me and said "Hey, wanna come over cuz no one is home. :D" So I went over and rang the door bell. She answered, so I broke up with her for lying to me.
Like if you get it.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
"Uh..."
"What?"
"Well... didn't you wear those jeans and that shirt, like, 2 days ago? O.o"
"Oh, yeah. That's because my family has this miraculous invention called a washing machine."
~at a sleepover~
*in the shower*
*knocks on door*
friend:can you tell me when you get out?
i have to use the bathroom.
you:okay!
best friend
*opens door*
im coming in
gotta pee!
2pac of Eminems are 50 Cent. That's Ludacris! I Want my Nickleback...
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
"Statistically 1 in 20 of us live next door to a pedophile. Not me though, i live next door to a stunning pair of eight year olds." like if you get it :P
Hi, I'm a teenage girl. I'm 5'9, Blonde, Blue-eyed, Australian, flat stomach, never wears make up and plays COD like my life depends on it. Also, I can make a sandwich ;D.
Like if you don't think I'm real.
squidward: spongebob, were you dropped on your head as a baby?
spongebob: aww *giggles* how did you know? *grins*
squidward: I'm a fortune teller
*Genie appears*
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes. What is your first wish?
Man: More wishes!
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes.
Man: More genies!
Genie: Well... f*ck.
"Dude! She just call-" "You know what? I don't care what she just called me. To be honest, I'm slightly confused as to how you keep hearing what she just said without me being aware of it, as we are obviously in close proximity. Oh, and another thing, how many things can you hold? Seriously? You already have my turtle, black ops, cake, and mascara, amongst other things. Just, just stop. Please.
What does the Mafia and going down on a girl have in common?
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One slip of the tongue and your in deep sh*t...
Drinking your own piss because you're a fearless bastard!
man- will you be quiet woman, im trying to watch the game!
woman- i dont care, i dont wanna watch this anymore.
man- damnit woman! go to your room!
woman- *walks into kitchen*
The awkward moment...when u try to put ur hand into ur shirt sleeve and ur hand doesn't go thru and.. 2 secs later u realize the sleeve was out... :/
Why. Is. It. That. When. I. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Little. Voice. In. My. Head. Takes. Little. Pauses?
What Guys Hear:
"Hi I'm a girl, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge,... can I have some money?"
What Girls Hear:
"Hi I'm a guy, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex... Make me a sandwich!"