Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
The top 10 things messed up with the show Spongebob:
1.How is Pearl Mr.Crabs daughter??
2.Why doesn't Squidward wear pants??
3.How do they flush the toilet under water?
4.How can they see plankton??
5.How can Sandy communicate with fish??
6.How is there a Goo lagoon under water???
7.Why do they take showers???
8.How come Gary meows??
9.How did Sandy build her dome??
10.How can there be boats under water?
Like this if you ever asked yourself any of these questions :)
That moment of joy when you see your food coming in a restaurant
""Nerd?" We prefer the term "intellectual bad ass."".....Whatever NERD!
You get home from school. In the front living room, there is a box with the word "Fragile" on it. This could only mean one thing... There is bubble wrap inside!!!
Me: Man your party was the best I've been to so far...
Friend: You were drunk again, and for some stupid reason you phoned the police and complained about how loud the music was...
Me: Oh... that wasn't that bad...
Friend: What!? You then grabbed my bird out of his cage and threw it at the cops shouting "Go angry bird, you get them pigs..."
Teacher: John, why are you so late ?
John: I was throwing stones into the river.
Teacher:Okaay, well take your seat.
Teacher:Bob, why are you also late ?
Bob: i was also throwing stones into the river.
Teacher: gr, well, sit down.
New Boy walks in ;
Teacher: oh so you're our new student. whats your name? and why are you all wet?
New boy: My name is Stones.
Teacher: oh..
LIKE IF YOU GET IT.
Friend:Dude,I wasn't that drunk.
Me:Dude,WHAT?!?!? You threw my hamster and saying "GO PIKACHU!!!"
The awkward moment when you watch the same cartoons when your older and you notice all the perverted things in them... No wonder i'm like this....
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.. your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.
When nerdy girls in movies take off their glasses, they instantly become these beautiful girls that makes people stop and stare at their "newly found beauty". In real life when people take off their glasses, everyone just holds up fingers and asks them if they can see
What if our dreams are just blurred memories of our previous lives...
if it's meant to be........ it will happen
Eddie desperately wanted to have s*x with this hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her & said "I'll give you $100 if you let me have s*x with you..."
The girl looked at him shocked and said "Hell No!"
Eddie replied, "I'll be real quick, I'll throw the money on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, I'll be in and out in a flash, I’ll be finished by the time you've picked up all the money."
The girl thought about it for a moment and said "But i have a boyfriend, let me check if it’s ok with him..."
So she phoned her boyfriend and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200. Pick up the money really quick, he won’t even have chance to pull his trousers down."
The hot girl agrees to Eddie’s proposal and Eddie throws $200 on the floor. After 45 mins, the boyfriend get worried and calls the hot girl to see if there plan worked. When she answers the phone, the boyfriend says, "What the f*ck happened, where are you?"
Still breathing heavily, the girl replies, "The b*stard had all quarters! Don’t blame me!"
You call me a bitch? Well a bitch is a dog,and dogs bark,bark is off trees and trees are apart of nature and nature is beautiful,so THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT
Bin Laden being killed, a royal wedding, tsunami & earthquake followed by a nuclear meltdown in Japan, a general election, chaos in the Arab world and we're only 4 months in. You think 2011 is bad, just wait until 21/12/2012...
Realising someone doesn’t speak English and speaking to them in a slow, loud and retarded voice cause you’re a fearless b*stard.
You're sitting at home alone at 10 O'clock at night, and you hear a knock on the door.
90% would answer the door.
I'm one of the 10% that runs and hides in terror expecting it's someone there to kill me..
Protect her, fight for her, kiss her, love her, hold her, laugh with her. But don't make her fall, if you don't plan to catch her.
It's like my mom always says, "Never hold in your farts, if you do then the fart will travel up your spine and go into your brain and that's where all the sh*tty ideas come from...
Having a nice body when standing up and when you sit down you look like a fat sh*t!
Even if i was home alone for six hours, my tv didnt work, computer was broken, phone wasnt charged and i lost the charger... I STILL wouldn't do my homework!
What are the three rings of marriage?
1. Engagement Ring
2. Wedding Ring
3. Suffering...
1991: Sh*i! Im pregnant! I havent even gratuated from high school yet... Everyones going to think im a whore...
2011: Yes! Im pregnant, woo hoo! No I can try out for next years 16 & pregnant!
The awkward moment when you are trying to kill a spider and your lose track of it and you become a victim in your own home...
14th Febuary:
Girl: Happy Valentines Day!
Boy: Um... yeah :)
-Girl passes him a big box of chocolates-
-Boy passes her a tiny box, to which she looks dissapointed-
Boy: Now, before you open this, I want you to know something... I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore...
Girl: (Shocked) -Opens box- *Gasp*
Boy: Because I want to be your husband.
Like if you know what's in the box
Teacher: "Have you done your homework?"
Student: "Have you graded my test?"
Teacher: "No, I have other student's stuff to grade"
Student: "I have other teacher's homework to do"