Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dear Agony Aunt,
Im 16 and I haven't got my period yet. My sister is ten and she already has hers... Is there something wrong with me?
Sincerely,
Justin Bieber.
The many uses of "fml";
-fuck my life ;
-forgot my lunch ;
-feed my llama ;
-fuck me later ;
-free my lizard ;
-feel my lollipop ;
Before s*x, you help each other get naked, after s*x you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fu*cked
Theres always one friend who eats everyone's gherkins in Mcdonalds
Women! They just don't have a sense of humour. My friend's wife didn't find it as funny as I did when I replaced her tampons with party poppers...
When i'm in the shower, I let the water run down my arm so it looks like I can shoot water from my finger tips...
That awkward moment when you're buying something and realise you have no money in your pocket...
"Haha You Failed", "Yeah Like Your Mums Abortion."
Ooooooooh, That sounds a bit harsh, I better put "lol" on the end of it
That HILARIOUS moment when Justin Bieber realizes that no matter WHO he brings in to sing with him he's not going to get any less gay or any better.
Your SO hot.. How are you single? Oh Yeah. Your a idiot.
When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she would love if it would be that small and cute forever.
She's going to be so suprised when i get if stuffed for her birthday...Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
dad: "When I beat you at games and stuff, never get annoyed. How do you control your anger?
Son: "Well I start cleaning the toilet."
Father:"Huh? how does that satisfy you?"
Son: "I use your toothbrush!"
A boy walks into kitchen to find parents having s*x, the dad looks at the boy and winks. that night the father finds the boy in his bedroom having s*x with his nana, the boy rolls over, winks and says "not so funny when it's your mum is it"
-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast.-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast..
Trying to finish a dream by going back to sleep.
Boy: I love you
Girl: Prove it! Scream to the world that you love me
Boy: *whispers* I love you
Girl: Why'd you whisper it to me?
Boy: 'Cause YOU ARE MY WORLD!
How To Live Life:
********************
Live without pretending.
Love without depending.
Listen without defending.
Speak without offending.
For Today Only (9/06/2011) go to Google, turn up the volume and have fun ;)
Boy:*kneels down on one knee*
girl:w-what are y-you doing *blushes like crazy*
boy:*looks up nd smiles* Ive been wanting to do this for a long time
girl:*blushes more*
boy:*ties shoe*
EPIC FAIL XD
Sometimes you make me so angry that I feel like throwing you into a load of oncoming cars. But then I realise I would probably kill myself trying to save you afterwards...
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
**************************************************************
After 5 years, your job will still suck...
One day you are going to be able to Google anything like "Where's my phone?" and Google will bring back results such as "Under your bed stupid!"
Don't you hate it when you're just sitting down getting all comfy and then BOOM!!! A rainbow ninja unicorn decides to attack the living freak out of you!