Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
You're sitting at home alone at 10 O'clock at night, and you hear a knock on the door.
90% would answer the door.
I'm one of the 10% that runs and hides in terror expecting it's someone there to kill me..
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have s3x all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"F*ck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Our hearts go out to all those affected in QLD floods
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Dear Teachers, I'm sorry I didn't realize that the color of my nails, how many bracelets I wear, If my hair is up or down, What clothes I have on, If I wear make-up or how many piercings I have would affect my education.
Sincerely,
Students
If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail.
"No friends in common" "So that's a 'no' to Mujhammad".
Don't you hate when you are having a staring contest, and you sneeze.
What are the three rings of marriage?
1. Engagement Ring
2. Wedding Ring
3. Suffering...
Guys, here is a few tips for when you are texting girls:
1. Never take any longer then 20 minutes to reply.
2. Don't give short or one word replies.
3. Ask plenty of questions to show interest.
4. Utilise :). B*tches love :)
You can find a friend anywhere, but a best friend is worth keeping :)
In your bed, it's 6AM, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:30.
I went to Currys, They didn't do curry... I went to Selfridges, they didn't sell fridges... And believe me, the Virgin Megastore was a huge disappointment.
I wonder if Buzz and Woody have ever met Andy's mom's toys... I mean after all they have the same names...
HAHHAHAHAA, wait! I don´t get it..
You remind me of a penny, because you're two faced and worthless :)
Popsicle Stick - $1
Caramel - $3
Onions - $4
Watching your friends biting into a caramel onion thinking it's an apple - Priceless
Whenever someone asks me to recommend a movie, I all of a sudden forget every good movie ever made...
I Hate When I Wake Up And Realise My Dream Wasn't Real.
If you loved/knew Eminem before "not afraid" or "love the way you lie"
You post a status from a song. You get 15 likes. 5 of the people who liked it like the song, 2 of them like the singer, 3 of them like the title of the song, 5 of them want to f*ck you.
When i was little i used to close the fridge door really slowly just to see when the light went out :)
Mom and Dad...when I lie to you, its for your own good
Do double chins run in your family..?? Oh thats right no one runs in your family..!!
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm?*****
If a man gets morning wood, does that mean women get morning dew?