When someone likes your status that you shared about a week ago and you think to yourself..
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
When a girl is silent, it's pretty dangerous. She's either over thinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, in need of a hug, falling apart or crying inside... and most probably all of the above.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please don't freak out if I don't answer my phone the first time. The chances of the battery being dead are much greater than the chances that I've been abducted and murdered by a serial killer.
Sincerely, 64 missed calls.
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like 'Wanna trade cards?' Damn right, I wanna trade cards. I'll trade this, but not my charizard...
Fun idea: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
I wanna watch.
Me: Man! I had soo much fun last night!
Friend: Kid, you were pissed most of the night, what can you remember?
Me: I wasn't that drunk?
Friend: Dude, you spent most the night in the kitchen...
Me: And?
Friend: Dude, you made your girlfriend a sandwich...
Me: -_-
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the little notification symbol on my screen.
"your whipped!" - "no 'bruv, it's called being faithful, Pr*ck"
(on the phone)
me "Dad i need directions, we can't find our way"
Dad "I'll call you back later, I'm in the middle of a game"
(off the phone)
My dads on my freakin xbox playin Black Ops again.
Today, the class b**tch jokingly asked a slightly overweight girl
"So, when are you due?"
The b*tch was speechless when the girl replied,
"I don't know, ask your boyfriend ;)"
Statistics on Insanity: One out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
This morning i thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so i swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.
Don't you hate getting into a fight in a dream? You try to punch the person as hard as you can but it's not hurting them..
When my girlfriend got her new kitten, she said that she would love if it would be that small and cute forever.
She's going to be so suprised when i get if stuffed for her birthday...
Girl at 5:00AM
Take shower
Get Dressed
Do hair
Put on makeup
And now it's 7:30 and time for school.
Guy at 7:00AM
HOLY CRAP!
Throws on clothes
combs half of hair
runs outside without backpack.
If guys had periods, all they would do is brag about the size of their tampons...
I'M SUCH A BAD ASS..... i installed a program. it asked if I had read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
i hadn't, but i clicked 'yes' anyway.
A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
The awkward moment when you are having s*x with someone and they are not as loud as you
Them: Oh yes, yeah, oh yes
You: AHHHH! YES F*CKING YEAH!! THIS IS SPARTA!
*******I Hate When This Happens #69********
When you and your partner have just finished with forepl*y and are about to have s*x, then you are interupted by something... Like a phone call, or the sudden urge to go to the toilet....
I got ice in my vains,blood in my eyes,hate in my heart,love in my mind, i see nites full of pain,days of the same,so u keep the shunshine,save me the rain
elementary school: mummy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: who's that? my friend...
Chris Brown hits her, Eminem lies to her, Drake can't remember her name = The life of Rihanna
OH NA NA THATS A SHAME
Dear Tounge,
Can't touch this!
Sincerely,
Elbow
When i was a kid, i always used to search my parents rooms to find out what i would be getting for christmas. Although, i never did receive a pleasure max 3000...