Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Conspiracy Theory #87:
What if we can really breathe in space and "The Man" just doesn't want us to escape...
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PART OF THE STORY AND NOT TWIST MY WORDS !!
Who else has that annoying friend on Facebook who spams their wall?
I wish I was with you.
Alone...
In my room...
On my bed...
With the lights out...
Under the covers...
So I could show you my...
Amazing...
NEW GLOW IN THE DARK WATCH!!
I stay up late every night, and realize it's a bad idea every morning.
Dear Asses,
You hate me when i'm cold, you think it's disgusting if i'm warm...
What the hell do you want from me?
Sincerley
Toilet Seat...
A skinny guy with a six pack is like a fat girl with big boobs...
**********************************************************************
IT DOESN'T COUNT!!
Below is a breakdown of why I check my voicemail:
5% I actually about who phoned.
95% I just want to get the annoying notification symbol off of my screen
I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST
LIKE N OONE EVER WAS
DUN DUN DUN
TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST
TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAAAUUUUUUSE
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
"NO IPODS IN SCHOOL!" ... "Yeah cause Eminem is gonna rap me the answers"
I hate it when my friends tell me a joke and they're like "You had to be there" and i'm like "Yeah, I would have been if you had invited me...."
Admit it, at some point in your life, you've tried to close the fridge as slow as you can just so you can when the light goes out....
why do i let the smallest things get to me?
During s*x with my girlfriend last night, I suddenly stopped and kept very still...
Girlfriend: "What are doing?"
Me: I saw this on YouP*rn, it's called buffering..."
Admit it, at one point in your life you have been attracted to a cartoon character. Don't worry it was normal when you were young.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
***** Things that make you go hmmmmm?*****
If a man gets morning wood, does that mean women get morning dew?
I got a card today saying 'Happy Valentine's Day love, from you know who'.
Why the f*ck is Lord Voldemort sending me letters?
I want to lick you, s*ck you, move my tounge all around you.....
but this damn wrapper wont come off the lollipop ;P
Getting in to bed,
Favourite pillow *Check*
One leg out of covers *Check*
Phone? *Feels Around*
Kick cover to try and find phone *Phone flies in to the wall and the battery falls out...*
Dear Kanye West,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If Justin Bieber wins another award,
You know what to do...
DA SADEST STORI EVA :'( xxx
boi taks gurl to maccy d'z 4 a treet:
gurl: u wan mah gurkhin? i dn laike ghurkinz.
boi: wat?!?!! i tke u out 4 a nice meel n u dn appreciat it!!!11
gurl: i din say dat!?!1
boi: (diez)
gurl: dnt leev meh! (diez)
sum polish ladi wit a beerd: (diez)
OMG LIKE IF U CRYD :'( :'(
Dear girls,
i dont care if your hair isnt straight,
i dont care if you bite your nails,
i dont care if your teeth are wonky,
i dont care if your not as skinny as another girl,
i dont care if eyelashes arent long enough,
all i want is a good sandwich.
**** I Hate When This Happens #58 ****
When you burp and a little bit a sick comes up and there's too many people around to spit it out... so you just swallow it...