Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
I was having the best s*x I've ever had with my wife when the doctor walked in and said, "Look, I know this is an emotional time but it really is time to turn off her life support".
Guy: "Wow that girl is hot with a great voice!" Girl: "That's Justin Bieber..." Guy: "Never speak of this moment."
No matter how old or young you are, whether you are male or female, when you see a bubble near you, you will try your hardest to try and catch it...
That awkward moment when your secretly watching your dog take a poop and then suddenly you make eye contact and he looks at you like "Bro, are you serious..."
That awkward moment when someone yells at you for clicking you pen so you stop, but then realise that you have to click it once more so that you can use it.
Dad: That new Miley Cyrus song is awesome! Kid: Dad, that's Justin Bieber :P
I don’t hate you I don’t love you neither. you mean nothing to me you're just another geezer. I wont hit you, still I wont hug you neither. if we ever meet again, cold is how I’m gonna treat ya
****On Facebook****
Oh look it's someone's birthday, Let me wish them Happy Birthday....Wait, wait, wait, they never wished me on my birthday or anything....
t(- -)t F*ck 'Em
The amount of kisses on texts really does matter to a girl
Saying "ew" when you hear someone's name that you don't like.
**** What did the lion say to the octopus? ****
Nothing, lions can't speak. And even if they could, the chances of a lion meeting an octopus are very slim...
"Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above and that is because you are the best thing that ever happened to me :)
I had Lord Voldemort round for a curry and some beers last night.
I woke up this morning and the cheeky f*cker had left a dark mark in the toilet.
That "oh Sh*t" moment when you hear your mom shout your name from down stairs so you do a quick recap of all the things you have done recently to see if you're in trouble...
Spongebob: "What do you usually do when I'm gone?" Patrick: "Wait for you to come back."
**** Definition of Bravery ****
Trying to fart even though you know you have diarrhea....
hearing a noise when your home alone and just accepting the fact that its time to kick some ass ;)
i might bully you, but you know i love you;)
We may come from different places and speak in different tongues, but in the end, our hearts beat as one - Dumbledore.
WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO MY PART OF THE STORY AND NOT TWIST MY WORDS !!
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Mom: "Do you think I'm made of money?" Me: "Isn't that what MOM stands for?" :)
The awkward moment when you open a birthday card in front of the person who gave it you. Then you realise that there is no money in it so you read it with a lost smile and a little hate inside because you gave them $20 for their birthday...
If you want to know where your heart is, pay attention to where you mind wonders.
RIP to the guy who died doing one of the best sports ever..... planking