You don't realise how blessed you were until you are truly down and out........
Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Who else has that annoying friend on Facebook who spams their wall?
Women live longer than men because they get excersice by constantly cooking and cleaning. Not because they're healthier. Silly b******. :)
**** This is me all over ******
Music on shuffle, next, next, next, er no, next, nope, next, next, blah, next, next, YES!
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right bre*st hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your bre*st is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please don't freak out if I don't answer my phone the first time. The chances of the battery being dead are much greater than the chances that I've been abducted and murdered by a serial killer.
Sincerely, 35 missed calls.
Fat kid comes home excited. "Mum i got the highest mark in P.E.". Mum shocked says "Wow!!". Fat Kid... "btw mum what is BMI?"
Teacher: Jamie what is the answer to question 2 ?
Jamie: Umm
Kid behind him (whispers): 56
Jamie: 56
Teacher: (suprised) well done thats right
Jamie: thanks
Teacher: could you explain how you worked it out to the class please.
Jamie: Umm.................................................................................
Like If This Has Ever Happened To You :L
Next time someone says to me "Hey man, whats up?" I'm gonna say "Oh not much, just chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool and all shootin some B-ball outside of the school."
If I could be any part of you, I would be your tears.
To be conceived in your heart,
Born in your eyes,
Live on your cheeks,
And die on your lips.
I just cant stop laughing when somebody falls down in front of me =)
When you're single, you see happy couples and when you're in a relationship, you see happy singles... we're never satisfied. - Bob Marley
The other day I got arrested at the airport. When I got to the security scanners, they asked me to take my trousers off and jacket.
What? I thought they said and jack it...
Partying Bevrages Evolution
Age 10: Orange Juice and Milkshake
Age 14: Fizzy Drinks
Age 17: Alcoholic Drinks
Age 25: Even Stronger Booze
Age 40: EVEN Worse
Age 60: Tea + Coffee
Age 90: Water
Hey, Durex are teaming up with Harry Potter to help young wizards and witches stay safe while they are getting intimate with each other. Their slogan is going to be "Protect your slytherin from her hogwarts while you are in her chamber of secrets."
To my ex: I don't like you like I thought
To my boyfriend: I like you a lot but I'm scared you'll hurt me
To my future:... I have nothing to say but don't hurt me more than those douches
You know that when Tommy from the Rugrats takes his screwdriver out, sh*t is about to go down...
Getting in to bed,
Favourite pillow *Check*
One leg out of covers *Check*
Phone? *Feels Around*
Kick cover to try and find phone *Phone flies in to the wall and the battery falls out...*
They think the world's gonna end in 2012, but they can barely predict the weather for tomorrow.
Sometimes when you are hurt, no one cares.
Sometimes when you are sad, no one see's.
Sometimes when you cry, no one looks.
But when your fart one time, Everyone notices!
Mother: ...Ok, go and play with your dolls until dinner is done...
Son: There not dolls, THERE. ACTION. FIGURES!
I got thrown off the golf course the other day for using the ball washer.
They really should call it a GOLF ball washer...
No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall.
No one is afraid to fight, they are afraid of losing.
No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it.
No one is afraid of falling in love, they are afraid of not being loved...
Life is like a Roller-coaster, it has it's ups and downs, but remember the downs don't last as long as the ups.
''Hey,want some updog?'' Person: ''What is that?'' You: ''What is what?'' Person: ''Updog?'' You: ''What about it?'' Person: ''What is it?'' You: ''What is what?'' Person: ''WHAT IS UPDOG?!'' You: ''Not much'' Likee if you get it (;
Don't be afraid to use the word motherfu*ker at school...
Why? Well my dear friend..Just tell your teacher its a noun ;)