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I like to think that I am a dreamer. But for some reason, my boss at work keeps yelling, "If you fall asleep at work one more time, you're fired!"
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Mocking people in a voice they don't even have.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
Only on Facebook is it acceptable to talk to a wall.
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king. :P
Two blonde's drove across the country to see Disney World in Florida. When they reached the last sign for Disney World on the highway that said "DISNEY WORLD LEFT!"
The blonde driver then said "Oh well, We'll come back another time to see if it's back" and started to drive home.
I used to get on really really well with my neighbour. We used to go out for drinks, watch the game together, and even play the odd round of golf.
We did this until he put a password on his WiFi, I will never forgive him for that...
Rappers get money, from rapping about how they get money from rapping, by rapping about it...
Some people were dropped as a baby. YOU were clearly thrown at a wall.
ask me if i'm a tree.
ask me if i'm a tree.
ask me if i'm a tree.
ARE YOU A FUCKING TREE?
wtf? why would i be a tree?
Describe your first sexual experience by using the title of a film.
For example, Fast & Furious...
The Awkward moment when your in a bad mood and someone is next to you watching TV and then they start saying inspirational stuff... but it turns out theyre just singing the theme song to pokemon...
*boy at gym doing situps
*hot girl walks by*
instant smile when the person you wanted to text you, texts you.
Please change the photo viewer back to normal!
400 million pissed facebook users :)
Ever notice that in The Wizard of Oz, The Scarecrow, The Tinman, The Lion, and The Wizard were all men;~~~ no brains, no heart, no courage and a liar?
During the summer, I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. Then I sit back and wait for all the little kids to try and kick them over....
what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard
covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again
It was my favourite game when I was younger, but i could never understand one thing about it...
Ok Mario, so you can smash through bricks with your head, but you died as soon as you touched a turtle.... WTF!?
whats the difference between futurama and JLS.................................................................................................................................................................... there is only one bender in futurama
The awkward moment when wikipedia has copied your homework.
I didn't fall.....I attacked the floor.
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day that they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so i came home early to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment bu i couldn't find the other man anywhere. So i went out to the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, but he landed in some bushes. So, i went back inside and got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which i died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he allowed the man into heaven. He then asked the next man in the line about the day he died.
"Well sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab on to the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac with a hammer came out and started pounding on my fingers. Luckily i landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died" he said the the third man in the line.
"Well, picture this, i'm naked hiding inside a refrigerator..."
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
My mums so old fashioned, she thinks LOL means lots of love, one day she sent me a text saying "Grandmas died LOL"
Looking at a mirror at a party and thinking "Yeah, I'm drunk"
I want to kill the sexiest person alive....... But suicide is a crime.. Oh well :)
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