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Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength, I may just beat the living crap out of someone...
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Best ever game as a child: make sure the balloon does not touch the floor
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
If you want to know where your heart is, pay attention to where you mind wonders.
""Nerd?" We prefer the term "intellectual bad ass."".....Whatever NERD!
If I had Morgan Freeman's voice, I would sit in the corner and speak to myself... for weeks.
This is a big thanks to all our military personnel, here's to the fallen soldiers who gave up everything for our freedom...
I don't understand why people cheat. If you're not happy, just leave.
Okay, so this c*nt comes at me like "WTF MATE" and im all in his GRILL like "WAT KENT" and his all like "F*CKIN WAT" and now im in hospital -.-
Ghetto Word Of The Day: Random
I saw my girlfriend of three years kissing another man the other day. So i got in my car and random both over.
*boy at gym doing situps
*hot girl walks by*
Hearing someones story, and thinking " Fu*k, you're so full of s!*t!"
If you never try,you'll never know...
i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
-ONCE when it's told to me
-ONCE when it's explained to me
-ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it..
I got done for shoplifting in ASDA today.
I paid for six cans of Sprite at the self checkout, but when security checked my bag he discovered I'd picked seven up
Dear Facebook can we have a dislike button for things like America, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber And That Friggin Wannabe Rebecca Black
What is long, hard and full of seamen.....
It's not what you think, honestly!
IT'S A SUBMARINE!!
When I Was 7, Hannah Montana Was That's So Raven, I-Carly Was Drake & Josh,Justin Bieber Was Jesse Mccartney, Lady Gaga Was Britney Spears, Wizards Of Waverly Place Was Phill Of The Future, And Spongebob.. Is STILL Spongebob(;
3 RULES OF LIFE....
#1...it doesnt hurt when we pinch our elbows
#2...idiots will try #1
#3...idiots will laugh at #2 cuz its true
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."
I hate when I'm sitting on the couch at home after a long day, I put the tv on and then my whole family start having a competition of who can be the loudest...
To all girls :You may think you are unpopular,You may WANT to be normal,you may want to be skinny,or fatter.You don't want to have mood changes or periods.You may think doing drugs, having sex and smoking is "cool".But underneath all that you just want to be perfect.Everyone does. But guess what... You ARE perfect! Just the way YOU are.So be unpopular, be unique! Don't do drugs, or smoke or drink. Be who YOU are because if your friends don't appreciate you for that,your friends aren't really your friends.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
When faced with two choices, always flip a coin. Not because it will make the decision for you, but because when the coin is in the air, you will suddenly realise what you are hoping for.
"Dude, don't ruin the movie for me." "Fine" *silence* "They all die in the end." ... "I Hate You."
My wife and I have different ways of cleaning the toilet.
She uses disinfectant, then flushes, then repeats two more times.
I on the other hand use a bit more skill. I turbo pee as hard as I can at the stains until they fade away...
Guys, here is a few tips for when you are texting girls:
1. Never take any longer then 20 minutes to reply.
2. Don't give short or one word replies.
3. Ask plenty of questions to show interest.
4. Utilise :). B*tches love :)
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