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Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength, I may just beat the living crap out of someone...
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Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup."
Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
R.I.P Nate Dogg - August 19, 1969 ~ March 15, 2011
boy: i love you. girl: prove it. boy: how? girl: get rid of your xbox. boy: get out...
**** Definition of Bravery ****
Trying to fart even though you know you have diarrhea....
Makeup: I hope not.
When you are texting in class and the door opens and you have that little heart attack hoping that it is not a teacher or principle.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Frito's -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Children Don't Drive!!!)
That awkward moment;
When you're in the car, and you look at the people in the
car next to you, and they're already looking at you.
'you asleep?' .. ''yes''
I hate it when I originally pick the right answer and then change it
*DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!*......Ok, I will go to my friends house and try it
To whomever wrote:
"10 things a typical teenage girl can"t live without...
1. A Mobile Phone
2. A Laptop or Computer with internet access
4. A Warm Hoodie
6. A Facebook, Msn, or YouTube account
8. Unlimited Texts
9. Hair Straighteners
10. Reality TV
5 things a typical teenage boy can"t live without...
That's unfair. I'm a teenage boy and I'm quite fond of oxygen.
the awkward moment when a girl says she's heartbroken because her boyfriends dumped her and she's only 12..
Just Seeing Your Name On Facebook Pisses Me Off.
how can someone you once were so close to, just all of a sudden ignore you like its no big deal
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops at 3 hoes.
straightening your hair putting on make up and dying your hair isn't fake... excuse me for actually caring about how i look...
I Flip My Pillow Over to Get To The Cold Side
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, she forgot her name, and thinks she's the only girl in the world!
Rebecca Black: "Kickin' in the front seat Sittin' in the back seat Gotta make my mind up Which seat can I take?" I don't think she understands the Shotgun rules.....
No one is afraid of heights, they are afraid of the fall.
No one is afraid to fight, they are afraid of losing.
No one is afraid of the dark, they are afraid of what's in it.
No one is afraid of falling in love, they are afraid of not being loved...
When a woman says "What" it's not because she didn't hear you - she is giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said!
Justin Beiber walks by- Elementary school: OMG OMG OMG OMG JUSTIN BIIEBERRRRRRRRRRR! *screams* Middle school: OOO A FAMOUS PERSON! High school: OMFG WHERES MY SHOTGUN?!?!?!
Dear Mom and Dad,
Please don't freak out if I don't answer my phone the first time. The chances of the battery being dead are much greater than the chances that I've been abducted and murdered by a serial killer.
Sincerely, 35 missed calls.
i just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..."
Then I realised, I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...
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