Obviously, the person who came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has probably never been to Walmart during the day...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
Damn! LOL - Your #1 source for daily funny pics!
Dear 4th Grader,
On Facebook, your relationship status is "It's complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers?
Sincerely,
Your Mother.
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
I ordered a pizza the other day, when she said the order back to me she said, "So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"
I looked her dead in the eye and replied, "Yes, I also ordered a pizza."
OMG!!!! Osama Bin Laden's name backwards is..............................
nedal nib amaso....
OK, it means absolutely nothing...
Some people were dropped as a baby. YOU were clearly thrown at a wall.
I remember that in the early years of school, if you were at the front of the line, you were the sh*t!
Girls arse's in JEGGINS
Roses are Red, Violets or Corny, when i think of you oh baby I get Horny, eat me, beat me, bite me, blow me, suck me, f**k me, very slowly when you kiss me dont be sassy, use your tounge and make it nasty!
Is it just me, or does having family members as friends on Facebook limit the things that you can say.
I'm tired of girls complaining that theres no good guys left...hello..we are where you left us, IN THE FRIEND ZONE.
elementary school: mummy i have a new friend. middle school: hey mom can ____ come over? mom: yeah whos that? you: my new friend. high school: *you and your friend walk in* mom: who's that? my friend...
Dear V*gina,
I am requesting a pay due to the following reasons;
1. I do a lot of physical labour.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything that I do.
4. I work weekdays & nights, weekends and holidays.
5. I work in damp, dark and enclosed spaces.
6. My work makes me very prone to diseases.
Regards,
P*nis.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear P*nis,
After long consideration, I am going to decline your request for a pay rise for the following reasons;
1. Your shifts only ever seem to be about 10 minutes long
2. You fall asleep after each shift.
3. You always have to be simulated, you never seem to be self motivated.
4. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts.
5. You work place is always messy at the end of your shift.
6. You have been constantly been seen entering and exiting the work place with to small, suspicious looking bags.
Regards,
V*gina
~o
~o
~o o~
~o
~o
~o
Everyone go back! It's a blow job!
That awkward moment when your walking down the road, minding your own business and BAM! You walk into a spiders web and have to bust out your kung fu ninja chopping moves!
I'm not ignoring you, I'm waiting to see if you'll make the effort... for once!
putting freezing cold hands on someone warm... :P
Dear Justin Bieber,
....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........................'...../
..........''............. _.·´
..........................(
..............................
Much love, Everyone. xxx
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right bre*st hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your bre*st is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
I hate how when you lose something and I spend hours looking for it and I don't find it. Then my mom looks and it magically appears after 2 minutes of looking..
That little smile after a kiss :')
Dear Noah, We could of sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely Unicorns.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
The awkward moment you find out the big bad wolf didn't want the pigs, he wanted inhalants, and he wasn't breathing air, but breathing inhalants.
I hate it when you no the boy likes you but he just doesn't have the guts to say "i love you!"
Just shut up, you don't know the situation.
Durex Have created new glow in the dark condoms.....
There new slogan for them it going to be "Now you see it, Now you don't, Now you see it, Now you don't,"
"Your phone's ringing." ... "Yeah, phones do that."
I don't get the saying, "You snooze you loose"
I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I woke up feeling like a champion.